To build strong father-son bonds, break generational patterns | Rob Hardy | TEDxAtlanta

foreign [Music] to build strong father-son bonds we must break generational patterns when I was younger life was almost like the huxtables from The Cosby Show mom worked at Tennessee State University and dad was a doctor but we didn't quite live the Silver Spoon lifestyle see Dad worked at the community hospital and not in private practice so there was no big house name brand clothes or fancy

saying things like good job or I love you was rare now he did love me but saying it out loud just wasn't what he was taught for many of us our parents provide our sense of stability and comfort and safety and while my dad wasn't as present as I would have liked or as expressive as I would have liked I knew that he cared and then

my parents divorced and everything changed I moved to the Northeast with my mom and shuttle back and forth between her place in Philadelphia and dad in Nashville the stable home environment that I was used to was now gone now life in Philly was different it was fast tough aggressive and to keep up I had to grow up this also coincided with my growing interest in girls

music fashion and how to handle the school bully now Mom did her best and taught me a whole lot but for this phase I needed more input and instruction from Dad to put it simple I needed his guidance but in our summer times together dad would lean more into being a disciplinarian I guess we both had different ideas of how we spend our time together what

I wanted was to spend quality time hanging out playing basketball talking about girls but Dad would fill our summer times with life lessons of hard work and responsibility he even made me get a job save my money to walk it by my own computer then he made me do yard work when my friends came over that's what I remember about those days and when we did

spend time together it was often me waiting long hours for him at the hospital not my idea of quality time so as our relationship bonds grew weaker my frustration grew stronger and that frustration fueled my Rebellion so like most teenagers I spent hours in my room listening to music or hanging out with everybody besides Dan then over a number of Summers things finally came to a

head when I turned 16. there was a concert that my friends were going to and I wanted to go to but Dad said no so I went anyway without his knowledge without his permission then when I showed back up the next day unannounced and Unapologetic and with the girl I had been hanging out with it was the last straw dad pack my bags and kick me

out of the house literally I remember sitting on this front porch with all my stuff locked out as he drove to work then one of his friends came to get me so that way I could stay with them for the rest of the summer one thing was clear dad had had enough of me that was my last summer spending with him as I think back on

it dad just didn't understand me and to be honest I didn't really understand him either so I promised myself that when I had kids it'd be different I'd be a cool dad I'd be someone that they could talk to I'd be fun I'd be there to listen to things that were important to them I would be their superhero so when I finally had kids of my

own I was active I changed diapers I read stories that play dates I bought them the coolest sneakers I even helped coach my son's baseball team and that is not my sport I was present and involved and simply put I loved my boys and I wanted them to know it then after years of hard work my career took off I'm a filmmaker which makes me a

freelance contractor so like my peers I work as much as I can when there's work so finally I'm living my dream and like Dad I was focused had a hard work ethic and I also used my newfound creativity to do it but also like that I found myself stressed and away from family I found it hard to relax when I came home from those long jobs

away I began noticing that my children were growing and changing without me I felt guilty for not being constantly present for them so I overcompensated I scheduled Sports and martial arts and trips and all the activities that I wanted to do with my own dad when I was a kid and it was exhausting for all of us plus since I was gone so much I even

decided to be more of a disciplinarian when I was home it's a little more strict and gave them extra chores to instill that good old-fashioned work ethic sound familiar when my older son went into middle school he was going through this awkward pre-puberty phase so I took him to work with me one Saturday so we could talk while I prep for the next week it's kind

of like Dad had done with me at the hospital in our summers together I began to realize that I was becoming my dad 2.0 see I was reliving the same patterns of behavior that I learned from him growing up now to be honest some of those patterns can serve us well like teaching us how to focus accomplish a goal or empowering us to take action but

in my scenario I was dealing with navigating a rising career in a Fickle industry while still attempting to be a Hands-On father so determined to do things different I got advice from Friends also known as my Village of cool dads so I began listening to my son and doing more of the things that he enjoyed my Village and I began doing group activities with our sons

we even went camping for father-son Rites of Passage weekend event finally I was breaking the negative father-son patterns that I had with my dad or so I thought then covet struck and everything changed suddenly I like the majority of the world was at home at first I enjoyed my time for rest and to be with family but then it kind of became to feel a little

bit claustrophobic for everybody plus I could no longer go and hang out with friends or escape to my superhero job and and now being locked down with my now teenage son things only escalated one night he went too far in asserting his independence kind of like I did with my dad that fateful summer when I got locked out of the house and like my dad with

me I wasn't having it with my son either now thanks to my wife my son did not wind up locked out on the front porch but I do remember feeling frustrated I was wondering why is parenting so hard I thought I had this fatherhood thing figured out I had made the necessary adjustments so how did I get here how did we get here negative father-son patterns

are notoriously hard to break even when we are aware of them in my case those things were born out of guilt my being stubborn and even a little controlling and ultimately they impacted what I wanted the most was to get my son to understand that I loved and cared about him but fortunately for me I had been able to lay a great Foundation over the years

of a more communicative relationship with my boys in the Years leading up to the pandemic plus I had the benefit of being able to discuss parental challenges with my wife and my Village of cool debt this along with the encouragement of a professional counselor allowed me to be able to ReDiscover my vision for the father that I wanted to be so I sat down with my

son only this time I listened with the sure intent of understanding where he was coming from he opened up and we talked and connected in ways that brought us closer together see this fatherhood thing has given me a newfound respect and appreciation from my own dad he like my mom simply did the best they could with the emotional tools that they were taught years later my

father passed away and in the final months before cancer took his life we were finally able to sit down connect and talk he had finally achieved the work-life balance that he'd always craved and that allowed us to connect in different ways that we never had before at this stage he finally got the one thing that he wanted for us to be closer together during that time

it also enabled me to understand and get to know this superhero of a man that was respected by his patience colleagues and our community see fatherhood isn't for the faint of heart and one of the things that I was able to get from my dad is is that I saw how he lived his last days and how he lived his last days is how I'd like

to live the rest of my life with gratitude appreciation and understanding when he left we all felt understood loved and cared for by him now today fatherhood still isn't easy it's still tough raising a child especially a teenage boy but if what we truly desire is a more loving and caring relationship with our children then that exists on the other side of the fear and discomfort

of learning new ways of doing things plus if we're able to examine internally our patterns of behavior and what drives them then we too can learn to show up for our kids in ways that they most need us to that allows us to build memories and moments with them along the way that show them who we really are as parents ultimately we'll provide them with the

healthy and stable platform that they can use that to become the amazing adults that they'll be thank you [Applause]