Weekend Update Moments | Season 48 | Saturday Night Live

Senate candidate Herschel Walker. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi, there. Pleasure, pleasure. -Yeah, let's go, team. Alright. -So, Herschel, you're a former NFL player. -Yes. -With no political experience. -That's right. -And you were caught lying about having three secret children. -Yes, sir. -So, Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy is ready to be a senator? -It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what I

say, and I say, "Go, Herschel Walker!" [ Laughter ] -Hey, well, I love you, too, Mitch McConic. [ Laughter ] You see, we not so different. Me and Mitch are like two peas in a bag. -Alright. Well, Herschel, you've already said some pretty bizarre things that, they've got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said, quote... What does that mean? -Oh, Che, I'll slow down

so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air Bud. -Uh-huh, yep. -Air Jordan. -Sure. -Erin Brokovich. -Indeed. -You see, science don't understand. Everybody talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is pulling Hawaii closer. -Ooh. Oh, yeah. -Bring that climate over here. -That's a good idea. I like that, I like that. -They don't need it. They little. So that's something we need

to look at very closely, right, Bish? -Uh, right, it's Mitch. -Yeah, that's exactly right. -Yeah. -Okay. Well, Senator McConnell, I got to ask, what qualifications does this guy actually have to be in the Senate? -Well, there's too many to name. First of all, he played football, and Georgia loves football. -Everybody loves football. Baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes, okay?

-Right. -And, listen, listen. If we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that, Obama Michelle. -What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals? -Of course I do. You know what? I wrote a few down for Mitch on the way down here. Go ahead. Read that there, Mitch. -Sure. Uh, proposal number one -- barbecue Tuesday. -There it is.

-Number two, let's get a daytime Moon. That way, no more rain. -Boom! -And, uh, number three, create a Department of Instagram Booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake. -It ain't right. It ain't right. -You know what, Herschel? Why don't you just tell them about yourself. -Oh, okay, yeah. Thank you, Stitch. I don't mind if I do. Where's my camera? Is it down here? -No,

it's right there, man. It's there. -Oh, okay. [ Clears throat ] Hi, the America. My name is Herschel Bershel, and I play football for the U. S. Senate. Whenever I'm in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers -- George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I'm the government,

we gon' see. Thank you. -Okay. Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody. -Yeah, we gonna be lookin' into that. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -This summer, an invasive species, the spotted lanternfly, has spread throughout the northeast, destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on sight. And if you've seen one, you might agree. Let's take a look. -I'm

a spotted lanternfly. I don't care what experts say, I'm gonna eat your crops! Scientists are concerned about my "high reproductive capacity" 'cause I'm a player. That's why people call me a player. My life goals are to lay eggs, be on "Judge Judy," and to eat every crop. And there's nothing these stupid farmers can do to change my mind. -Wow. Well, let's bring him out -- a

spotted lanternfly, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's right, that's right! Boo me, boo me! Y'all don't even know me! Boo me, haters! Y'all haters can kiss my ass, a.k.a. my seminal secretion pouch! -Whoa! Lanternfly, you're coming in a little aggressive. -Oh, I'm aggressive?! I'm the one who's doing the aggressing, Michael Che?! They're telling their children to stomp me to death! What is this, Mazda Germany?

-I think you mean Nazi Germany. -I don't know what I mean! I'm a bug! [ Laughter ] I'm trying to live my life, find a mate, and have 3 to 4,000 babies! [ Laughter ] -That's a lot of babies. -Hey, they hatin', I'm matin'. 'Kay? Who wouldn't want to sit on this? Yeah, oh, yeah! No, look at that underwing. It's getting rouge! Yeah! Oh, this what

y'all look like trying to stomp me. Unh, unh! Keep stomping! I even look gorgeous dead, bitch. [ Laughter ] -Okay, lanternfly, relax. What do you say to the people accusing you of being an invasive species? -Invasive? Oh, my family's been in this country for generations. 80 of them! -And how long is that? -About four months. -Well, you've also been threatening the local vegetation. -Oh, how? How?

Oh, 'cause I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it's dead?! Oh, y'all got a problem with it? Oh, I'm here now, bitch! Catch me outside, sucking all your trees to death! -Lanternfly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean, people rely on the crops you're destroying. -I don't care. Crops

knows what they did. Crops 'fraid of me! And if I see crops, I'm sucking them on sight! [ Laughter ] -Well, lanternfly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight. -Oh, hell no! -Let's bring crops out! [ Cheers and applause ] -Try and suck me to death! Try! You can't even fly! -I probably can. -Oh, you doing a lot of talking, but

you ain't doing a lot of sucking. Come on! -A lanternfly, everybody! -Keep stomping, bitch! Keep stomping! -The Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week, and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new "SNL" cast member, Marcello Hernandez. -Yes, thank you! Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin. -What's up, Marcello? So, are you a baseball fan? -Well, Colin, my mom is from

Cuba and my dad is from the Dominican Republic, so, obviously, they're divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I'm not saying we're naturally better. I'm just saying we're more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call "Papi" and no one knows why? This guy got so good

at his job, everyone started calling him "dad." Like, Colin, has anybody here ever called you daddy? -I'd --I'd rather not say. But what about --What about, like, Aaron Judge, right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record. -Yeah, I think it's impressive, Colin, but there just wasn't enough emotion for me. He hits the 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently, and then,

it's a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a home run, Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension, and once he gets to home plate, and he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. He's like, "Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father, and that one guy from the bodega that gave me the peanuts that one

time." Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer, who's been speaking English the whole game, gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, "And now, coming to the plate... [Hispanic accent] from Santo Domingo, Starling Marte!" Cue the merengue music. Even the White guys in the crowd are like... [ Vocalizing ] Then this guy comes up, and

he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then, he brings Jesus into it. He's like, "In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit." And then, once he gets to batting, Colin, it is all hips. Do you feel that, Colin? -[ Laughing ] I feel -- I'm pretty sure I feel it, yeah. -Everyone in the crowd

is pregnant by the time he's done batting. And the postgame interviews are different, Colin. White guys are so boring. They're always talking about the game. It's like, "We had a game plan, and we executed it." -But I bet Latin guys do it different? -Don't do that, Colin. I don't like that. But, yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get

a sentence off in English, it's not about the game. The reporter is like, "What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider?" And then, Ramon is like, "[Chuckling] Man, I love Miami, man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing." And if you notice, Colin, they only speak English until they lose patience. You know, you ask them a loaded question, and they go, "Well, for

this season, I think that..." [ Speaking fake Spanish ] -Marcello Hernandez, everyone. -Thank you, New York. -Families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick-or-treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle. [ Cheers and applause ] -Ah! -Good save. Good save. -Oh! This is Halloween! This is Halloween! Halloween, Halloween! Marjorie Taylor Green! [ Laughs ] Happy Halloween, everybody! [ Cheers and applause

] Oh, I'm sorry. You can't --You can't even say it's All Hallows' Eve anymore. You got to call it All Hallows' Steve. Ugh. -I-I don't think you -- I don't think you do. So, Drunk Uncle, you say you're ready for Halloween? -Halloween is "socialitism," Colin. These kids today, they don't even work hard jobs no more. You know? When I was a kid, we were shoeshines, chimney

sweeps, extra, extra paperboys. You know? Nowadays, it's just, "Um, excuse me, could you Instacart me some mochi?" What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you Minecraft my Metaverse, please? No. You be real. -All right. Well, so, I guess you're not excited for Halloween? -Tom was too good for Gisele! -Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't --What do you -- What do you -- -TikTok dance. [ Humming ] TikTok

dance. Okeydokey. Bah bah bah. Okeydoke. TikTok dance. [ Chuckles ] You like it. -I do. I do. -The whole country's falling apart, Colin! Okay? Everybody's quiet quitting now. -Quiet quitting? -They're quiet quitting. [ Quietly ] Excuse me. I quit. -Okay. -Excuse me. I quit. We used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. And also a few --a couple of those

"immigrantes illegado," if you know what I mean. You know? It's-a me, Chris Pratt-a! Barf. Not my Mario. [ Applause ] [ Snoring ] -Oh. Uh, Drunk --Drunk Uncle? -Yeah, I was there on January 6th! -What? Take me home tonight I don't want to let you beep, and shine, beep, beep [ Sobbing ] -Oh. Oh, no. Oh, Drunk Uncle. -So I'm not Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile, okay? So

I didn't graduate from Abbott Elementary, okay? So I'll never be beyond burgers, okay? Never. Big Mac, McDLT, a Quarter Pounder with some cheese Filet-O-Fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, A Happy Meal JFK blown away, what else do I have to say? That's not me. -I don't think that's anyone. -Donda? -No. [ Chuckles ] -Donda? Donda?! -You don't have to talk about Kanye. -Oh, yes, I most certainly

do, "Car-rin," okay? I have been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say. -Oh, no. -Okay? And guess what? I think he might be crazy. You know, that kind of talk doesn't fly anymore, Seth. I learned a lot during the -- I learned a lot -- What did I do? I learned a lot during the pan-Demi Moore, okay? I did the work. -Sure.

-I know that Black Adams matter. -No. -Okay? I saw "Bros" in theaters, pal. Okay? And "No Homo," it was great. Okay? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Gay guys are still funnier than women. -Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. -Knock, knock. -Who's there? -Elon. -Elon who? -I don't know, but he just made me CEO of Twitter. -Drunk Uncle, everyone. -I got monkeypox! With so many

midterm races tightening, it's hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls -- social issues or economic concerns. Here to comment is Tammy the Trucker, who promises she's here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What? -Hey! Beep beep! Hey, outta my way! Hey, there, Colin, it's me, Tammy the Trucker. Breaker, breaker, big mama, over. -Wow, Tammy. So you are a trucker

who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me. -Yes, I thought it would, Colin Jost. That's why I'm here, Tammy the Trucker. -And what was that about not talking about abortion? -No, no, no, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I'm here to talk about is gas, even though the Supreme Court sent

Roe v. Wade to that big pit stop in the sky. Beep beep! [ Truck horn honks ] Yeah. 50 years of precedent. Beep beep! Works both. [ Truck horn honks ] [ Laughter ] -Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion. -Calm your cooter down, Beaver Kneaver. I'm Tina the Trucker, whatever name I gave you, and I gotta be

in Rancho Cucaroomba by nightfall. -Rancho Cucaroomba? Cecily, what are you doing? -I don't know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up, and families are really hurting, but that's not gonna magically disappear, no matter who you vote for. We're in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk! Breaker, breaker! Unh! But what will keep disappearing is

safe access to abortion. It's not really magic 'cause they told us that's exactly what they're gonna do, and they've been doing it. Breaker, breaker! Big daddy, I got a double nickel on the big slab. [ Truck horn honks ] -Did you just Google "trucker terms"? -Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. Don't beep it. I don't want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock,

whatever that counts as. [ Laughter ] These are scary times, okay? 'Cause they don't want to just take away access to healthcare, they want to criminalize it, too. I mean, it's so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other to delete our period-tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I wear my bad underwear. But I can't in case some

dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. Aruba! -I don't think it's "Aruba," I think it's "Aooga!" -Do you have something agai-- You are riding my ass, dude. My point i--gimme that. My point is, you shouldn't have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide healthcare for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Beep beep!

[ Cheers and applause ] Watch this. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? Beep. And I'm backing up about 50 years into the past. -Okay I gotcha. -Yeah. Look, yeah, I know this wasn't fun for you, okay? Let me give you some little trucker toys, okay? Yeah, here you go -- here's a nudey mag, and here's this. -Oh, is

this -- is this Gatorade? -Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Look, the truth is, I have felt pretty helpless over the past year, and it's hard to know what to say To make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here's a thing I can say. There's one mother trucking thing we can do to fight

for mother trucking freedom to make our own healthcare decisions, and that's vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. [ Cheers and applause ] Because, remember, we all love someone who's had an abortion -- I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep! Aruba! -Tammy the Trucker, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, guys, we're six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with

me is our very own Sarah Sherman. [ Cheers and applause ] -Colin, I've got a bone to pick with you. -Oh, God, what did I do now? -None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah? -We can't do jokes about you, Sarah. -But I can, and I'm gonna do them all here right now. -You -- You brought

your own set? -Of course I did, 'cause yours looks ugly. [ Laughter ] I'm Sarah, and this is the "Sarah News." [ Cheers and applause ] A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? "I can only hope," said my boyfriend. [ Laughter ] That's right,

America. I have a boyfriend. Don't let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I'm as straight as Michael Che's "'Update' persona." [ Laughter ] Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter's paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye's list of Jews to keep an eye on. [ Laughter ] -Okay, alright. Alright, I think that's enough jokes

about Sarah. -Bro, I'm only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [ Laughter ] -I'm not doing that. -It's time for world news. Today, I'll be doing a story on... Whoa! Pennsylvania! [ Laughter ] -Pointing to the middle of the ocean. -Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. [ Laughs ] In Pennsylvania news, senator-elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has

received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don't belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. [ Laughter ] Hachi machi! Thanksgiving must've come early this year, because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. That --That is disgusting. -Somebody's jealous. [ Laughter

] Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the H.R. lady when she asks, "What did Colin ever do to you?" [ Laughter ] -Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this. -Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? -Wait, what?

-Hey, guys, by the way, these aren't notes. They're just Colin's little drawings of me. -You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] It's the holiday season, which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce Michael Longfellow. -Happy holidays, everyone! -Happy holidays, Colin. -Happy holidays, Michael. So, your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you? -No. I

was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn't even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, "You know, your parents had sex to have you," and I was like, "Well, I don't think they've met, so that's stupid." -Well, surely you were aware at

some point they'd met, right? -I wasn't, and don't call me Shirley. "Snakes on a Plane"? -It's not "Snakes on a Plane," but okay. Honestly, the holidays, though, must have been more difficult with divorced parents. -I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and, you know, divorced and married again. You ever ask for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I

have, and I didn't have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day. -Wow, that must have been nice. -Must have been. It was. I'm sorry. And brothers aren't the only thing divorce has given me. It's given me sisters, moms, dads, in all of different genres. Like, you have my real dad, who's very strict

and quiet and wears suits, and then you have my newest Dad, Terry, who's a semi-nudist I've seen naked 43 times. -Wait, what? -All I'll tell you this, Colin. When you see your mom's boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don't think it's gonna happen 42 more times. -Well, I at least hope he has a nice body. -Why? -You know what? I don't know.

Never mind. So, are you saying you're then pro-divorce? -Well, my dad is a divorce attorney, so it put food on my table. -Wait, so, your father is a divorce attorney who's also been divorced? -Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? The man's an artist. He's out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still

a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know -- you know, "Brush your teeth," "Do your homework," "If infidelity can't be proven, they're only entitled to 30%." And it's not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough. -Hmm. That's good to know. -Alright, so, it sounds, then, that your dad enjoys his work. -Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met

his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that's a conflict of interest, but I just say he's got that dog in him! [ Imitates barking ] -Michael Longfellow, everyone. -And don't call me Shirley! -2022 is almost over, and, ooh-wee, did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two-time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Well, ho, ho, ho, Michael Cho! -Hey, Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa Hat. -Oh, yeah, well, it's covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit scalped. -You got scalped? -Yeah, I fell asleep on the escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes. -Oh. Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

-Yeah, yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out. -Alright, let's get back on track, Cathy Anne. What's got your goose tonight? -Well, thank you for asking... You sexy piece of crap [ Laughter ] Well, actually... Actually, I'm a little emo tonight 'cause, truth is, I'm here to say goodbye. -Wait. Where you goin'? -Turns out, prison. [ Laughter ] -Prison? -Yeah,

yeah. Well, all the crimes I confessed to you here for the past seven years finally caught up with me. You know, drug use, trespassing, destruction of property -- crack -- impersonating a police horse -- meth and crack -- oh, and, uh, doing a couple Sonic attacks. -A sonic attack, like what the Russians do with sound waves? -Uh, no. I did an upper-decker in the soft-serve machine

at a Sonic. But you had a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. But it already worked out okay, because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison. -That's a bad deal. -Well, they wanted to kill me. They were bringing the chair back, made me watch them test it. Tried a little hat on me and everything. Whoo! That's chilling.

[ Laughter ] -I'm really sorry you're going to prison. -Oh, no, I'm not. I think it's actually gonna give me some much-needed stability, and I'm not too scared 'cause I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. And it's okay, you know? I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love, we made

a sex tape. [ Laughter ] -Cathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape. -Well, potato, clamato. Dat's a spicy meatball! And, Colin, don't you think I forgot about you. Here's a picture of you and me doing "Update" together. -Whoa! -Yeah. -Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened? -Okay. Excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus

when you started, Mr. Silver Fox? Turned into Obama over here. [ Laughter ] -Alright, that's fair, fair. -Now, listen, listen. Everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It's just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here, and I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people

that I love so much. [ Cheers and applause ] But, uh, I know. I guess take that with a grain of salt, being that I have addiction issues. [ Laughter ] It's like another great drug addict once said -- "There's no place like home," and there's no home like the place where I've gotten to yell outside Michael Che's window. But don't be sad because remember... I

did it high, Che -Cathy Anne, everybody! -Oh, my God, I lit it! -Congratulations. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, according to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause continues ] -Hi. -Hi,

April. -What? -Well, nothing. You said you came out here to talk about local government. -I will when you stop yelling at me. [ Laughter ] Um, okay, fine. Uh, so, yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you're young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something. [ Laughter ] -Okay. Um, are there other jobs? -You want me to list them? Okay.

Fine. Um, drive a bus. You don't have to be on time. Nobody cares. Um... Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Um, or just be a dogcatcher and just say you couldn't find any. [ Laughter ] Um... Yeah, 'cause when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part. [ Laughter

] -Okay. Alright. Okay. But what if you actually want to work hard? -I don't know. You're annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope. [ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo! [ Cheers and applause continues ] Hiya! Hi, April! Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow! Look at this. Who knew there were cameras at "SNL"? [ Laughter ] -Yeah, yeah. So you work for the government. -Yeah,

park service, yep. So, how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around, cracking each other up all day? [ Laughter ] -Well, not at like 8:00 AM, but, yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency? -Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job,

about this show, because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. [ Laughter ] And he made it look really easy. -Yeah, yeah. So, you said you were here to talk about the government? -Yeah. But quick question. President Biden, when he Zoomed in before, could he see me, or were the cameras off? -I think he pre-recorded that. -Oh.

I thought this show was live. [ Laughter ] -Well, most of it is. -Oh, my God. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for like a half an hour. -Yeah, we can't stay long. We have a timed-entry tickets to the M&M Store. [ Laughter ] But before we go -- and may I be so bold -- do you mind if I try

to tell a joke? -I would love it. Please. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Oh! This feels good. This feels nice. Okay. Let's see what you got. Okay. Alright. Uh, oh, no, that's too mean. [ Laughter ] Oh, what? No. That's way too mean. What? No. Okay. I'll do this one. A town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded

to puppies thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil-rights icon, Rosa Barks. [ Laughter ] Whoo! That felt good! -For "Weekend Update," I'm April Ludgate. -And I'm Leslie Knope! -This week, Wendy's announced they'd be bringing back their vanilla Frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxer's girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever. [

Cheers and applause ] -Hi, hi, hi. -How you doing? How are you, Angel? -I've been better. -Well, does your boyfriend, Tommy, have a fight tonight? -He better not 'cause the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there's no more clams in his chowder. I love him so much, but I swear to God, if he fights again, I'm taking the kids to my sister's. -Got it. Well, in

good news, the vanilla Frosty is making a comeback. -Oh, come on! What is it? -Wendy's, you think vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You're sick. So, vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the Value Menu, I'm not taking the kids to Wendy's. I'm taking the kids to my sister's. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nicky, Pepper, Keno, and the twin. -You

doing okay, Angel? -Barely. Barely. I'm doing a lot better than Tommy, I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che. -Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed? -Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper's lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids to my sister's. -Jesus. -So where is he? I know Creed's here. You've been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus

Lil Baby live on Peacock. -No, Angel, there's no fight tonight. -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. -Then what's all this? Cameras, sold-out crowd. I'm looking at Jamie Foxx and Gina Gershon sitting front row next to Cocaine Bear. -That's just a Black guy sitting next to a White woman in a big coat. -I don't care. I want Creed! -Angel! -Oh. Adonis Creed. You know you're the reason my kids' dad

watches more "Sesame Street" than they do. -You ever think about us, Angel. -Don't. -Hmm? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy. -You remember Lil Nicky? He's yours, Creed. -What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids was Black? -Tommy don't see color. -That's nice. -No. He don't see any colors, numbers, or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy. -Angie, look at me. You're coming home with me tonight.

-But what about Tommy? What about the kids? -Listen, from now on, I'm taking the kids to your sister's. -Every boxer's girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon, launching a new era of the British monarchy. Here to comment are British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thanks, Che. -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. -Thanks, Che. -Mm-hmm. -So,

guys, what's going on with the royal family? I mean, can you give us an update? -Right, right. Okay, listen, mate. Okay. All the focus is on the royals, right? When it should be on England's exploitive tabloid press, right? It's pants, mate. -Pants. -Rubbish, mate. Pants. -I'm sorry. Pants? -It's pants, okay? -Pants? What is pants? -It's pants. -Mm-hmm. -They're mean to our boy Harry, alright? We know

what really goes down. We've known Harry since our days at Eton. -You guys went to Eton? -Mm-hmm. Yeah. -Eton your mom's bum. -No, but, seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take out the pods and hear me, alright? Because we have a way of talking back in "The 'And." Hey! -Shirty. -Milly Pounds. -Yeah. Prince Harry, Prince Harry Stayed over at Tyler

Perry's Pressed cold like Ben & Jerry's I'm allergic to dairy Harry and Meghan Ronald Reagan Interracial datin' Queen said, "Not today, Satan" They see us comin' like I slide down the road like Your girl saw me in a Man's like me got millions, too 'Cause I stay hot like Jan Wouters -Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, no. Stop. [ Cheers and applause ] Who is Jan Wouters?

-Che, why'd you stop it, mate? -Bro! -We shared so many facts. -Facts! -You really didn't. -Okay, listen, it's not all chicken shops and tikka masala. -Glasgow! -Right? But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what's happening where we come from, right? Rishi Sunak Prime Minister, you know that He got styles like Harry I'm allergic to dairy Your boyfriend is poor I make

more I chat online with your girl on computers 'Cause I stay hot like Jan Wouters -Okay, okay, great. What -- What is... What is that? Look, I grew up in New York in the '90s, okay? So I consider myself a pretty friggidy-fresh guy when it comes to hip-hop, but I've never heard that before. -Okay, you see, back home, we don't really have guns, do we? -Bop,

bop! -But we do have little, tiny knives that we carry with us at all times, and those kind of sound like... [ Both whooshing ] -Okay. But who is Jan Wouters? -Oh, oh. He's, like, a semi-obscure Dutch footballer from the '80s. -Mm-hmm. -I get it. You guys like soccer. So can you tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA? -How do the Brits feel about FIFA?

Alright, check it. -Mm-hmm. FIFA, corrupt Your girl told me, "What's up?" I told her, "I'm tryin' to see that butt" I'm allergic to dairy -Oh. Tea, no coffee Milly and me on the Vespa scooters 'Cause we stay hot like Jan Wouters -Milly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. I'm allergic to dairy. [ Cheers and applause ] -Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees

and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day. [ Cheers and applause ] -What's up, Colin? -Hello. -Alright, guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars? -Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you, but when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. -Ugh. This is true. -She doesn't

even know their names, really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie call Tony Hawk "Tony Hawking" to his face. -So, Punkie, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking? -[ Laughs ] I mean, look. They both white men with wheels, so I mean... -Yeah. -[ Laughs ] -But the best thing that

has ever happened was a few weeks ago, when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein. -And who is Rick Bernstein? -That is what I said. -Well, so I said it's the guy with the jeans. Duh. -The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. -Alright, look, I grew

up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude wasn't big in my house. So sue a bitch. -"Sue a bitch." So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it would be more fun to play a game we call... Are you down to play? -I feel like I don't have a choice. -Right. Everyone, you can play along. It's super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to

this celebrity as... Claire Blankenship. -I don't know. Claire Danes, maybe? -Okay, let's see. Is it Claire Danes? No! It's Anne Hathaway. -Wait, time-out. Time-out. -That really happened. -No, no, put the picture back up, okay? I'm sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire? -Okay. Okay, she does. That's fair. You're right. Number two, Zoey Dechanaise. Who does Punkie mean? Tell me what you're thinking, Colin.

-I am thinking that this one has to be Zooey Deschanel. -Okay, lock it in. Is Zoey Dechanaise Zooey Deschanel? No. It's Zoe Kravitz. Zoe Kravitz. -What? -Alright, okay, alright. Look, see, what had happened was, right, I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show 'cause you know I got to look good for Norm Michaels. -"Norm" Michaels? -[ Laughs ] Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and

I said, "Hey. Don't I know you?" -Yes, you did, because she was hosting this show. That happened that week. -My bad, Miss Dechanaise. -Okay. Last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey. -Okay. Well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm going to say Patrick Stewart. -Okay. Nope. She actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. -Hell yes! -She knows Patrick Dempsey. -You're

damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby. -You're a fan of "Grey's Anatomy"? -Hell. yeah. I love every show by Ving Rhimes. -I think you mean Shonda Rhimes. -No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes. -Punkie and Mikey, everyone. -Punkie! We only have about a minute left of the end of "Update." Here to fill it with some random impressions is James Austin Johnson. [

Cheers and applause ] -Wow. -Alright. James, what is your first impression? -Okay, here we go. This is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the show "Girls." -Okay. -Here we go. [ As Kylo Ren ] Hannah, do you know how difficult it is to be on the dark side of the Force? No, you don't because you're a child! -Okay. Great, great. [ Cheers and

applause ] Alright. What else you got? -[ Normal voice ] Batman and he's reading "Where's Waldo?" Okay. -This is Batman reading "Where's Waldo?" -[ Deep voice ] Where is he?! [ Laughter and applause ] -Okay. Alright. Okay. Well, that's great. I think we're already running out of time. [ Laughter ] -That's so dumb. -[ Normal voice ] This next impression would make a great sketch on

the show. You should consider it. -Sure. -This is Jay-Z and he's downstairs. -Okay. -[ As Jay-Z ] Beyonce. [ Laughter ] Hey, Beyonce. Beyonce. [ Laughter ] -Hold on. [ Cheers and applause ] How would you play Jay-Z? -[ Normal voice ] He would be downstairs. You don't see him because he's downstairs. -Okay, great. I just don't think you put much thought into this. -Yeah, okay,

look. I have a stockpile of useless two-second impressions that I don't know what to do with, so I kind of thought, "Why not do them on 'Update' where it doesn't really matter?" [ Laughter ] Look, I got to get these impressions out, okay? It's my brand, alright? Bartenders won't even look at me at the afterparty unless I do my Trump voice. [ as Donald Trump ]

We've been waiting a very long time for that Negroni. [ Laughter ] This is -- This is much too long. It's a three-ingredient drink. [ Laughter ] We're very thirsty. -Okay. -Very thirsty. -Okay. -We love a Negroni. [ Laughter ] -Alright, we have time for one more impression, but it's got to be quick. -[ Normal voice ] Okay, I got the perfect one. This is Bob

Dylan's cellphone on vibrate. -Okay. -[ As Bob Dylan ] Eh. [ Laughter ] Eh. Eh. -James Austin Johnson, everyone. Well, great news for conservatives. New York is finally cracking down on crime. Former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I

am to watch it. [ Light laughter ] Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Tacopina, who Trump definitely calls "Joe Tapioca," said that the president will not be put in handcuffs, though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman T-shirt. When Trump surrenders, New York City police will take his official mug shot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares

about getting right. I'm sure he's hoping it'll look cool like Frank Sinatra's, but I bet it'll end up closer to Nick Nolte. [ Light laughter ] -Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. Business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume at Spirit Halloween. [ Uproarious laughter and applause ] President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on

Trump's indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy. [ Uproarious laughter and applause ] -I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on CNN yesterday was, "Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former president." A more accurate headline would be, "Man we all knew was criminal

may be criminal." At this point, it feels like even pro-Trump people have moved on. I mean, I went down to the courthouse today, and I was the only protester there. [ Light laughter ] -You stink! -[ Laughs ] I told them not to laugh at you for April Fools. [ Laughter and applause ] -I was truly like, "Am I not miked?" And then I was just

like, "Oh, I just suck." -Moving right along. -God! -Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene... -You're evil! -There was controversy this week when LSU women's basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team's national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese. -Yeah! The Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand up. -Well, Angel, you had

quite a week. -Yeah. I got people big mad. First they was mad 'cause I was taunting, but all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn't want to go to the White House. But, Che, they invited Iowa, too. -But they lost. -Exactly. In the history of sports, when you

lose, you take your ass home. But then white girls lose, and suddenly it's all teams matter. -Well, I'm glad you changed your mind. That'll be pretty cool. -Yeah, it'll be cool... for them. I'm a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, I'm about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sound, Che? -Mm? Degree deodorant. Y'all stank! -Well, it seems

aggressive. -Okay, okay, okay. How about this one? Garden gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face! -Wait, that's a commercial for garden gnomes? -Yeah. If the money right. Now, here's my favorite. Big-ass eyelashes -- empowering women ballers and Snuffleupagus since 1972. -Well, Angel, I'm glad that you're enjoying the moment. -Hell, yeah, I am. Look, last week women's sports was boring. Now all y'all talking about

is women's sports all this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa! I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. Ploop! [ Laughs ] The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the AND1

Tour, but, you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I'm just sitting back getting all this babyGap money. -Why are you endorsed by babyGap? -'Cause all these bitches is my sons. -Angel Reese, everybody. -You can't see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese! -This week, Governor Ron DeSantis ramped up his war on Disney after they stopped his

attempts to control Disney World's district. Here to comment is the villain from the movie "Aladdin," Jafar. -[ Laughing evilly ] Hello, Michael. So, this is the famous Rockefeller Palace. -Okay, so, Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron DeSantis? -You mean "the boy"?! Well, Michael, as far as villains go, the boy's an amateur. He has no rizz, no spark, no drip. The look

is giving "baby mayor." I mean, he did wear those white cowboy boots, but -- let's be honest -- they wore him. -Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying DeSantis isn't bad enough? -Not at all. Don't get me wrong. The boy is plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks in schools? I'm a dark sorcerer, and even I was like, "Jesus, dude, it's Rosa

Parks." -Yeah, now he's coming for Disney after their stance against his "Don't Say Gay" bill. -[ Laughs evilly ] If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown! Know what I mean? -No, I really don't. -I mean if you open up Grindr on Main Street, USA, your phone explodes. And everywhere else in the park, it's nothing but 40-year-old

men with braces. I don't know what that is, but it ain't straight. -Oh, are you saying that you're -- -A little light in the loafers? Did my John Waters 'stache not tip you off? Of course I'm gay, you petulant fool! My waist is snatched, my eye liner on point, my final form is a yoked genie with gorgeous nails and a high micro-pony. But, yeah, Michael, I

love cooch. -Yeah. I got it. Well, it seems like DeSantis doesn't even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all. -Ugh, there's already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. It's called Six Flags. There are lots of us at Disney, Michael. Ursula is a lesbian, Scar is bi, and Mulan just got top surgery. Congrats to them. Now, if I may, I'd like to address

the boy, DeSantis. Well, if it isn't the swamp rat. Bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. You pitiful straight! You can try to stop us, boy, but we will outsmart you at every turn. Don't say gay? Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney, and everyone loves Disney, including you, 'cause your dumb

ass got married there. And that's the gayest thing you can do! So, I'm sorry, "Miss DeSantay." The gays shall stay, and you sashay away. Now, where were we, Michael? Ah, yes, your earring. It intrigues me. -No, no, no. Jafar, everybody. -Their wedding was at the Grand Floridian. It was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous wedding. He had a gorgeous wedding. -Since the start of this year, over

400 anti --[ Laughter ] Since the start of this year, over 400 anti-LGBTQ bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction. -Introducing SNL's first nonbinary cast member. It's Molly Kearney! [ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo! [ Laughs ] Made it. Thank you, Mr. Che. -Molly, what is all this? -Well,

as you know, I have been wanting to come to "Update" and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling. -And did it live up to your expectations? -Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie. This harness is pretty tight, and my groin area is beefed. I have been hung up on my genitals for far too

long, and I'm starting to feel like a freaking Republican lawmaker. Hello! -That's an awesome transition. So, as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting healthcare for trans kids. -Listen to that, Michael. Restricting healthcare for kids. For some reason, there's something about the word "trans" that makes people forget the word "kids." If you don't care about trans kids' lives, it

means you don't care about freaking kids' lives. -Wow. I can tell you're really upset about that. -I am! And, also, my legs are going numb, and I might pass out! -Molly, how long were you hanging up there? -Longer than I would have liked. I tried to call down, but no one could hear me. At one point, I heard a crew guy say, "Is she gonna die

up there?" And then another guy was like, "You mean, are they going to die up there?" And then they both walked away and didn't help, which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don't worry. We have a code word for emergencies, and it was "trans rights." [ Popping sound ] Oh, my gosh. Good golly! That was the code for confetti!

My bad. -That was so loud. -Well, yeah. People need to wake up! We are making trans kids grow up too fast. We should be keeping them safe, and we need to lift them up. Not me "them." I mean the kids! Che, they got my pronouns right. Let's go! Wait a minute! Before I go, I want to talk to you. What's happening, kids, is wrong. And you

don't need to be scared. Our job is to protect you, and your job is to focus on being a kid. It's kind of like me flying in the "SNL" sky. There's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling when and where you're allowed to pee. But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize you're flying, kid! Hey, Mr. Che, am I

still in the frame? -Your feet are. -Trans rights! -Molly Kearney, everybody. For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che. -I'm Colin Jost. Good night. [ Cheers and applause ]