Weekend Update ft. Bowen Yang, Punkie Johnson and Heidi Gardner - SNL

>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL IS CALLING ON RUSSIA TO RELEASE ONE OF THEIR JOURNALISTS WHO WAS ARRESTED ON ESPIONAGE CHARGES, AND I MIGHT HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA FOR A PRISONER SWAP. FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ARRAIGNED ON

TUESDAY, AND A PHOTOGRAPHER RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF TRUMP IN THE COURTROOM, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT HE'S SLANKED BY AN O.J. AMOUNT OF LAWYERS BECAUSE THAT TELLS ME HE'S DEFINITELY GUILTY AND HE'S DEFINITELY GETTING AWAY WITH IT. TRUMP'S LAWYER, JOE TACOPINA, AKA, PHONY SOPRANO, SAID THAT HE DOESN'T THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO GET A FAIR TRIAL IN MANHATTAN. I AGREE. EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST SEEMS

TO HATE HIM. WHEN HE SHOWED UP, I THOUGHT HE LOOKED PERFECTLY NICE. HE HAD BLENDED HIS FOUNDATION. HE HAD STAPLED DOWN HIS HAIR. BUT THE GUY STILL DREW HIM LIKE THE MUD MONSTER FROM SCOOBY-DOO, >> AFTER HIS ARRAIGNMENT, DONALD TRUMP SPOKE TO SUPPORTERS AT MAR-A-LAGO AND SAID THERE WAS A VERY DARK CLOUD OVER OUR BELOVED COUNTRY, WHICH IS ALSO WHAT HE USED TO CALL OBAMA. INSIDERS

ARE SAYING THAT SINCE DONALD TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA HAS BEEN ABSENT, AND HIS OTHER DAUGHTER TIFFANY IS TRYING TO TAKE HER PLACE BY HIS SIDE, JUST AS SOON AS SHE GETS THROUGH SECURITY. REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SEEN HERE SHOUTING, JUMP, YOU COWARD! VISITED NEW YORK TO PROTEST THE ARREST OF DONALD TRUMP AND CALLED THE CITY FILTHY, DISGUSTING, AND REPULSIVE. AS A NEW YORKER, LET ME

JUST SAY, YOU FORGOT RAT INFESTED. DON'T FORGET OUR RATS. >> NEVER. A NEW REPORT DECLARES FOR DECADES, CHARNS THOMAS AND HIS WIFE WENT ON LUXURY TRIPS BY REPUBLICAN MEGADONOR, AND WHITEST GUY WITH THE BLACKEST NAME, HARLAN CROW. BECAUSE JUSTICE THOMAS HANDLED GIFTS FROM REPUBLICANS THE SAME WAY HE HANDLES SUPREME COURT CASES, WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED. IT WAS ALSO REPORTED TODAY THAT HARLAN CROW HAS A VAST

COLLECTION OF NAZI MEMORABILIA, INCLUDING COPIES SIGNED BY HITLER. THE SIGNATURE READS, DEAR HARLAN, BIG FAN. >> TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS EXPELLED TWO BLACK LAWMAKERS FOR PROTESTING GUN VIOLENCE, BUT DID NOT EXPEL A WHITE PROTESTOR. THEY SAID, THEY KNOW WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE, BUT THEY WERE ACTUALLY EXPELLED BECAUSE THEIR SKIN WAS BLACK. >> FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, WHO ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND GET

HIS SHINE BOX SIGNED A BILL THAT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO CARRY GUNS WITHOUT A PERMIT. BECAUSE FLORIDA IS DANGEROUS, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO RUN UP TO YOU AND SAY GAY. >> JILL BIDEN WILL ATTEND THE CORONATION ALONG WITH HER PLUS ONE, THE IOWA WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM. >> KING CHARLES SAID RESEARCHERS WILL BE GIVE ACCESS TO ROYAL AR KOOIS AFS IT WAS DISCOVERED

HIS ANCESTORS HAD STAKE IN A SLAVE-TRADING COMPANY. YEAH, IT WAS CALLED ENGLAND. >> THIS WEEK, RON DeSANTIS RAMPED UP HIS WAR ON DISNEY. HERE TO COMMENT IS THE VILLAIN FROM THE MOVIE ALADDIN, JAFAR. >> HELLO, MICHAEL. SO THIS IS THE FAMOUS ROCKEFELLER PALACE. >> OKAY. SO, JAFAR, AS A DISNEY CHARACTER, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF RON DeSANTIS? >> YOU MEAN, THE BOY? WELL, MICHAEL, AS FAR

AS VILLAINS GO, THE BOY IS AN AMATEUR. HE HAS NO RIZ, NO SPARK, NO DRIP. THE LOOK IS GIVING BABY MAYOR. HE DID WEAR THOSE WHITE COWBOY BOOTS, BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THEY WORE HIM. >> WELL, HE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE PART, BUT ARE YOU SAYING DeSANTIS ISN'T BAD ENOUGH? >> NOT AT ALL. DON'T GET ME WRONG. THE BOY IS PLENTY EVIL. BANNING ROSA PARKS IN

THE PARK, IT'S NOTHING BUT 40-YEAR-OLD MEN WITH BRACES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT IT AIN'T STRAIGHT. >> OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE -- >> A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS? DID MY STASH NOT TIP YOU OFF? OF COURSE I'M GAY, YOU FOOL. MY EYE LINER ON POINT. MY FORM AS A YOLKED GENIE WITH NAILS. YEAH, MICHAEL, I LOVE COOCH. >> I GOT IT.

WELL, SEEMS LIKE DeSANTIS DOESN'T EVEN WANT ANYTHING REMOTELY GAY HAPPENING AT DISNEY WORLD AT ALL. >> THERE'S ALREADY A DISNEY WORLD WHERE NOTHING GAY HAPPENS. IT'S CALLED SIX FLAGS. THERE ARE LOTS OF DIFFERENCES AT DISNEY, MICHAEL. URSULA IS A LESBIAN, SCAR IS BI, AND MULAN JUST GOT TOP SURGE ARE I. NOW IF I MAY, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE BOY, DeSANTIS. WELL, IF IT ISN'T

THE SWAMP RAT. BRAVO ATTEMPTING TO SEE THE PRECIOUS LAND ONLY IT WOULD BE THWARTED AGAIN BY THE HOUSE OF MOUSE. YOU CAN TRY TO STOP US, BOY, BUT WE WILL OUTSMART YOU AT EVERY TURN. DON'T SAY GAY? WELL, IF THERE IS NO GAY, THERE IS NO DISNEY, AND EVERYONE LOVES DISNEY, INCLUDING YOU BECAUSE YOUR DUMB ASS GOT MARRIED THERE, AND THAT'S THE GAYEST THING YOU CAN

DO! SO I'M SORRY, THE GAYS SHALL STAY, AND YOU CACHE AWAY. WHERE WERE WE, MICHAEL? OH, YES, YOUR EARRING, IT INTRIGUES ME. >> NO, NO, NO. JAFAR, EVERYBODY. >> I SAW YOU AT THE GRAND FLORIDIAN. IT WAS A GORGEOUS >> THAT'S A GREAT EARRING. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT THE AVERAGE CHILD THROWS A TANTRUM FOUR TIMES A WEEK, WEEKNIGHTS ON FOX. >> RUPERT MURDOCH'S ENGAGEMENT TO

ANN LESLIE SMITH HAS BEEN CALLED OFF. APPARENTLY, SHE GOT COLD FEET AFTER MURDOCH PASSED HIS PHYSICAL. IN A NEW DOCUMENTARY, POPE FRANCIS PRAISES THE SIR CHEWS OF SEX, CALLING IT ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO THE HUMAN PERSON. NOT THE WAY I DO IT. AM I RIGHT, COLIN? >> NO. >> OKAY. >> I HOPE NOT. I DON'T KNOW. A WOMAN HAS BEEN

TRAVELING THE WORLD SO SHE'S GONE ON 34 FIRST DATES IN NEARLY 20 COUNTRIES. HERE SECRET? SHE'S BEING SEX TRAFFICKED. >> THERE WAS CONTROVERSY THIS WEEK WHEN LSU WOMEN'S BASKETBALL STAR ANGEL REESE REFUSED AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO CELEBRATE HER TEAM'S NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. BUT NOW SHE HAS DECIDED TO GO. SO HERE TO COMMENT IS ANGEL REESE. >> YEAH, THE BAYOU BARBIE IS IN THE BUILDING.

LOUISIANA, STAND UP. >> WELL, ANGEL, YOU HAD QUITE A WEEK. >> YEAH. I GOT PEOPLE BIG MAD. FIRST THEY WAS MAD BECAUSE I WAS TAUNTING, BUT ALL I DID WAS THIS. YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I PULLED MY NIPPLE OUT AND FLICKED IT ON NATIONAL TV. THEN THEY WERE MAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE. BUT, CHE, THEY INVITED IOWA TOO. >> BUT

THEY LOST. >> EXACTLY. IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, WHEN YOU LOSE, YOU TAKE YOUR ASS HOME. BUT THEN, WHITE GIRLS LOSE, AND SUDDENLY, IT'S ALL TEAMS MATTER. >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND. THAT WILL BE PRETTY COOL. >> YEAH. IT WILL BE COOL, FOR THEM. I'M A BIG DEAL NOW, CHE. SINCE COLLEGE PLAYERS GET ENDORSEMENTS NOW, I'M ABOUT TO CASH IN. AND MY BRAND

WORKS FOR ANYTHING. HOW THIS SOUND, CHE? DEGREE DEODERANT, Y'ALL STANK. >> IT SEEMS AGGRESSIVE. >> OKAY. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? GARDEN GNOMES, MAN, GET YOUR LIL ASS OUT MY FACE! >> THAT'S A COMMERCIAL FOR GARDEN GNOMES? >> YEAH. IT'S THE MONEY, RIGHT? NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE. BIG-ASS EYELASHES, EMPOWERING WOMEN BALLERS AND -- SINCE 1972. >> I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THE MOMENT. >> YEAH, I AM. LAST

WEEK, WOMEN'S SPORTS WAS BORING, NOW ALL Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT WOMEN SPORTS THIS WEEK. MAN, I DROPPED 15 ON IOWA. I WENT HARD IN THE PAINT. I DROPPED TEN BOARDS WITHOUT EVEN MESSING UP ANY EYELASHES. THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS NOT GETTING MORE BUCKETS. I COULD HAVE PICKED THAT BALL UP, DROPPED IT ON THE GIRL'S HEAD LIKE I WAS ON AN AND-ONE TOUR, BUT I WAS

IN FOUL TROUBLE, SO I HAD TO CHILL. AND NOW I'M SITTING BACK GETTING ALL THIS BABY GAP MONEY. >> WHY ARE YOU ENDORSED BY BABY GAP? >> BECAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES IS MY SON. >> ANGEL, REESE, EVERYBODY. >> YOU CAN'T SEE ME. WE GOING BACK TO BACK. ANGEL REESE. >> A NEW APP CALLED GREET HER IS DESIGNED TO HELP WOMEN TRAVEL ALONE SAFELY BY PROVIDING PEOPLE

TO GREET THEM WHEN THEY ARRIVE AT AIRPORTS OR HOTELS, AND IT'S BEING USED FOR MURDER. >> A VIRGINIA MAN WHO PRANKS PEOPLE FOR YOUTUBE VIDEOS WAS SHOT WHILE TRICKING SOMEONE IN A MALL. GOOD. A 106-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN THE PHILIPPINES HAS BECOME THE OLDEST VOGUE COVER MODEL EVER, BEATING THE PREVIOUS RECORD OF 29. >> A JEOPARDY CONTESTANT THIS WEEK WAS FORCED TO QUIT SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER PEOPLE

SAID HIS MUSTACHE LOOKED LIKE HITLERS. THE CONTESTANT SAID HE'S SO MAD THAT HE'S HAD IT UP TO HERE. >> NASA HAS NAMED THE FOUR ASTRONAUTS IT WILL SEND ON THE ARTEMIS II MISSION TO THE MOON. IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, I THINK I KNOW WHO'S DYING FIRST. HE CAN DO THE HITLER SALUTE, THOUGH. >> LAST WEEK, DATA SHOWED MORE AMERICANS ARE RETURNING TO THE OFFICE IN PERSON.

HERE TO COMMENT IS YOUR COWORKER SEEMINGLY BUSY DOING NOTHING. >> WE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK BECAUSE I REALLY GOT TO GET BACK. I GOT TO GET BACK. >> OH, OKAY. WELL, YOU JUST GOT HERE, CRYSTAL. AND THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> ICE BREAKER, ICE BREAKER. COLIN, HOW ARE YOU? DON'T ANSWER THAT. LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME TO HEAR YOUR ANSWER. I AM SO SLAMMED. >>

SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK. >> UM, THIS. >> WOW. OKAY. WELL, I GUESS I WOULD LOVE TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT YOU DO IN A DAY. >> UM, YEAH. WHAT DON'T I DO? OKAY. ASK MY TEAM. WHERE ARE THEY? ON MY BACK. AND MY PHONE'S BLOWING UP. I'M IN HELL. >> I'M SORRY YOU'RE SO SLAMMED, CRYSTAL. >> I NEED A VACATION, BUT KNOWING

ME, I WOULD BRING MY WORK PHONE, AKA, MY HUSBAND. >> OKAY. WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU KISSED YOUR PHONE. I'M SO CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT YOUR JOB IS. >> COLIN, TO EXPLAIN IT, THE LEVEL I WOULD HAVE TO START OUT, I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE BAND WIDTH -- OH, MY -- OH, MY -- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, OKAY. OH, MY GOD. >> ALL RIGHT.

>> LOOK. >> YEAH. THIS IS A SIGNUP SHEET FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE. >> YEAH. YEP. AND THEN BRINGING OREO CHEESECAKE. THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK. THERE GOES MY EASTER SUNDAY. >> WHY WOULD THERE GO YOUR EASTER SUNDAY? >> AND DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, I'M SCREWED. >> CRYSTAL, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME ONE THING YOU DO? >> YEAH. OKAY. LOOK. ALL RIGHT. SO LOOK AT MY SPREAD SHEET, OKAY?

THESE ARE ALL EMAILS I RECEIVED. NOW YOU UNDERSTAND? >> NO, I DON'T. NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE DO YOU WORK? >> IN THE WEEDS. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I MEAN SPECIFICALLY. SPECIFICALLY. SPECIFICALLY, WHERE? >> NECK DEEP. >> THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER. WHAT DO YOU DO? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T DO, EAT. HAVEN'T EATEN IN A MONTH. >> OH, MY GOD. CRYSTAL, YOU NEED

TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. >> MM, KALE SEE CZAR. MY FAVORITE. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S KIND OF NICE EATING AT THE TABLE AND NOT ON A TOILET. >> YOU EAT ON THE TOILET? >> AND I SHOT GOT A CALL ON MY SALAD PHONE. >> WHAT DOES IT SAY? >> I'M SCREWED. >> STOP THROWING THINGS! >> KEEP TALKING BECAUSE I AM LISTENING. AND I -- OH, MY

GOD. I JUST PULLED MY PINKY. >> CRYSTAL, JUST STOP. I JUST SAW ON YOUR COMPUTER THAT ALL YOU HAVE OPEN IS A BUNCH OF TABS FOR ANN TAYLOR LOFT. >> FOR WORK CLOTHES BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HERE. >> RIGHT. AND WHERE? LIKE HONESTLY, WHAT DO YOU DO? >> I'M CHE'S ASSISTANT. >> OKAY. >> HEY, MAN, CRYSTAL'S THE BEST. >> YOUR VERY BUSY COWORKER,