Top 5 Most-Watched Cold Open Sketches | Season 48 | Saturday Night Live

work here? -Hello. Hello. Thank you. It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted, or, as I spell it, "indicated." And, frankly, it's time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law, and go quietly to prison. April Fools! That was a prank. I was doing a Jim from "Office." But make no mistake. What the radical-left Democrats are doing

to me is worse than any crime I've ever committed, and I've committed a lot, close to 34. Some are saying I'm going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true, not true. I don't want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may

have seen I've been opening my rallies with my wonderful song, "Justice for All," which I performed with the J6 Choir. That's a very real thing -- very disturbing, very disturbing. It was the number-one-downloaded song. We beat "Flowers" by Miley, which, as we all know, is about Liam. But my song raked in so much cash, I thought, why stop there? That's why I'm putting out my new

album, "Now That's What I Call My Legal Defense Fund," aka "Trump Bopz," and I'm bringing all the hits. Boys and things, they come by the dozen That ain't nothing but drugstore lovin' Hey, little thing, let me light your candle 'Cause... [ Singing gibberish ] Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible, sung by your favorite president to defend our movement, and mostly myself, from

the evil Manhattan "Da." That means district attorney. But I'm a fighter, and speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here's my friend Don King. -Hey. Hey, everybody. What they are doing to this man is a "travagedy." -So funny with the big hair. Murdered a guy. Can you believe it? - Islands in the stream, that is what we are No one in between How can we

be wrong? -We're not wrong. I've never been wrong. - Making love to each other, uh-huh -Don King, everybody. -All right. -Wow. Speaking of love, me and the First Lady, Melania, are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I've never seen Melania happier. She's the most beautiful woman in the world, second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also, just

to set the record straight, I didn't even sleep with Stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn't it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they try to send me to jail? That's why you don't pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic. It's like rain on your wedding day Who would have thought? It figures And, folks, if they can come

for me, they can come for you, too. Or in the case of January 6th, they can come for you and not for me. I like that one a little bit better because I really don't want to go to jail, but when I think about how shredded I might get, it's awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real

big on top, little on bottom. Totally prison-yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the prophet Muhammad. Although I've never seen any pictures of him -- kind of sus. Uh-oh, who's this? Why, it's a man who, like me, was illegally raided, and he's turning it into big bucks. Afroman. - I was gonna go to class, but then I

got high -Drugs are killing our children. I could have cheated, and I could have passed But then I got, frankly, high Real shame. - I'm taking it next semester And I know why - Why, man? - Hey, hey, because I got high Because I got high Because I got high -We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. Folks, folks, your hard-earned money is

important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of ramens to successfully barter with a large man named "Lizard." And now my most loyal supporter -- I wish he'd go away. He's my Kendall Roy. It's Don Jr. -Wow, Dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you. -From your mouth to God's ears.

- The boy's a liar The boy's a liar He doesn't see ya You're not looking at me, boy - Good eno-o-ugh, good eno-o-ugh -Yeah, Dad! -Very strange energy, my son. Don't like it. He's saying that I'm good enough, grabbing my "drrr," thinking about things that I shouldn't have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don't we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair, beautiful hair. Manhattan, I'll see you on

Tuesday. Will be wild. And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"! -My friends -- and Judas... ...hear me now, for soon I will leave you and join my Father in Heaven. -We cannot lose you, Jesus. We will protect you. -They will never find you, Jesus. -Alas, one of you will betray me. -No, not I. -No, not I. -What?! -It is foretold, and though I have committed

no crime, I will be arrested, tried, and found guilty. -Sound familiar? A -- Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven't put it together, folks, I'm comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on His birthday -- Easter? As we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never

seen, even worse -- even worse than the late, great Jesus. You know, many people are saying we're very similar. We're both very tall, very popular, and both, frankly, white Americans. You know, Jesus did some incredible things -- some would call them miracles -- in terms of fish and with regard to bread. A lot with fish and bread, you know? He rose from the dead on the

third day. I would have done it faster, possibly two, possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. He had a good mind for business. Water into wine -- pure profit. And He had big, big rallies, just like me, and a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble, just like mine, all because I told them exactly what Jesus would have

said -- get very violent and start a war. And I've even got my very own Judas -- Ron DeSantis. Ron DeSantis came to me, tears in his eyes. He said, "Help me, Mr. Trump. I'm gonna lose my election." So I very generously pretended to like him, and then he did a Judas. And now he can't even get the gays out of Disney World. It's an awful

shame. Look at these guys back here, huh? They just have to sit here frozen while I talk. Can you believe that? Mr. Jesus. Quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I'm even better than Jesus because I'm a self-made billionaire, and Christ was -- let's call it what it is -- a nepo baby, okay? I mean, his dad was God. It's pretty easy to start

a religion when your dad is God. He did Good Friday. I said, "Why not make it great?" We can make it great. With me, we'll be doing Great Friday, perhaps even TGI Fridays, with the stuff on the walls and everything. But we love Easter. We love hiding the egg. Don't we, folks? We love hiding the little eggs. You know, I have many beautiful eggs from my

time at the White House, and now the Department of Justice are saying, "Where are the eggs? We need the eggs back." But I hid them. They're my eggs. They're my eggs to take, okay? So, tomorrow, I will eat my Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. And then after that, they will come for me, lock me away, because, just like Jesus, all I did was

be friendly to a sex worker, and now they want to put me in jail. It's so awful. Just awful. But who knows, folks? Maybe prison will make me even more popular, like that guy back there, Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban He's called. And that is the story of Easter. Happy birthday, Jesus. Look at the fingers. He's stuck doing the fingers the whole time.

Weird choice with the fingers. Look at Jesus. So, happy Hanukkah to all the Passovers, and all the Ramadans, too. We love to say Ramadan! That's fun. But mostly happy Easter because we like Jesus, right? Still frozen with the little hands. They're not even gonna get to say the big line. Maybe if you break a big political character, you can say the big line. I'm going to

do it by myself right now. So, happy Easter, and live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"! -Well, Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday. -Yeah. I know. I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy. -Did you see it? It was like a Comedy Central roast up there. -Mm-hmm. -I, uh, figured I could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker. Come

in, sir. -Hey, there, Mitch McDonalds. Wow. I'm sorry I'm late. I was having too much fun in that free merry-go-round y'all got out front. -That's a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat. -Thank you. -Well, great job on your campaign, Herschel. -Yes, excellent. -You remember former majority whip Senator John Cornyn. -No. -And, uh, of course Marsha Blackburn, senator from Tennessee. -Oh. Your highness. -Uh, well, Herschel, the

midterms wasn't the red wave we hoped for, but we think you can win this Tuesday. -Y-Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote 'cause you got this big runoff coming up. -Oh, well, I'm good at those. My ex-wife said all I do is run off. -Uh, no, Herschel. The Georgia runoff. The polls show it's very close. -Oh. How close? -Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock

is polling at 50.9%, and you are polling at 49.1%. -Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger. -Uh, well, uh, the election is this Tuesday. They've already started counting votes by mail. -Right, but you got to remember they still got to count votes by female. -Sure. Uh, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We

could really use a win right now. -Well, you can count on me. I came to chew ass and kick bubblegum, and I'm all out of "gubblebum." -Well, uh, there's only three days left. We want to be really careful, and you've had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch? -What do you mean? -You know, like bad things from your past

that maybe people don't know yet. -Oh! Yes. Definitely. Yeah, so many. -Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them? -Hmm. Let me see. Where do I start? Um...okay, so, there's this pretty lady that works at the McDonald's, right? So, I went down there. [ Chuckles ] Anyway, she didn't want to keep it, so I drove her down to the Planned Parent

Trap. -Wow. That's a lot. -I'm gonna be honest, Herschel. This might be tough. -Oh, don't worry. I'm feeling very confident about this erection. -Oh, don't you mean "election"? -I do not. -So, maybe in the final push, let's lay low and focus on the message. -Exactly. Just like Kanye. -No, no, no, no. O-On the issues people care about -- inflation, crime. -Vampires, werewolves, that scary little GEICO

gecko. Yeah, we gonna be looking into all of that. -Right. So, maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that. -Really? 'Cause that's like 90% of my next speech. -Right. Uh... Herschel, could we have a moment alone? -Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me, and I'll fall asleep like a parakeet. -Okay, well, that sounds great. Okay. There. Night, night, there. So... -Well

done. -[ Snoring ] -So, just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker? -Yeah. So, plan B? -I don't think we have no choice. -Yeah. -Whoop. Excuse me. -Oh, come on, girl. Don't trade that in for no Big Mac. Oh. I'm sorry. -Uh, Herschel, can I -- can I show you something very exciting? -Oh, yeah, sure. -Let's go. Why don't you,

uh, take a look up in there? -Oh, wow. Look, it's a little room. -That's right. It used to be my panic room. Now it's all yours, just till election day. -Well, wait, why am I already in there? -Uh, that's a mirror, Herschel. Um... go on ahead. You got everything you need in there. Get in there. -Man, look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

-It's only for a few days. And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"! -You're watching "Fox & Friends." [ Upbeat tune plays ] -Good morning! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs dryly ] You look lovely. -[ Laughs ] -Welcome to "Fox & Friends." I'm Steve Doocy, here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt. -Hey, everybody. Happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda Forever! -Yeah. -I don't

think we're allowed to say that. -Uh, everybody chill. -[ Laughs ] Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So, what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about? -Yeah. Yeah. Who was promising that? 'Cause it couldn't have been us every day. -Well, thankfully, there's no way to check, but it definitely didn't happen and,

according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines -- "Trumpty Dumpty" and "Trumpster Fire" -- ouch! -And look at this op-ed, uh... -Now, who wrote that? -Eric Trump! -Wow! Seems like everybody's turning on Trump! -Yeah, and per a company-wide email we got this morning, he's dead to us! -Yeah. Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one, who's still

hanging on by a thread, and she's here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake. -Hello, there, hi, and greetings from Arizona, where the average age and temperature is 95. -Hi, Kari, and thanks for being here during what must be a very stressful time for your campaign. -Hey, my campaign isn't dead yet, even though my camera filter makes it look like I'm in heaven. -Now, Kari, it

seemed like this was a race you'd easily win, yet it's been a real nail-biter. You and your opponent are currently neck-and-neck. -That is because the Maricopa County officials are incompetent, and it's my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out. -Uh, uh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in, which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs. -Which

is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters. -Uh, sorry, spoke too soon. Another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again. -Because our system is broken and it always has been. -Uh, wait, I'm sorry. I misread that. You're actually back in the lead! -But, thankfully, now it's fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I'm going

to win this election, and I won't stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who do Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs, who's hiding in a basement? Or me, Kari Lake, who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who's out there every single day at CVS, asking Black customers if they work here? -Yes. Well, we are

rooting for you, Kari! We know the votes will go your way. -Well, if they don't, I'll burn Arizona to the ground. -Okay. Wow! Well, she was nice! -Yeah, I hope the Trump effect doesn't mess with her campaign. -Hey, you don't think he still watches our show, do you? -Well, he's at his daughter's wedding this weekend, so at least we know he won't call in. [ Telephone

rings ] -Hello, it's your favorite president. -Uh... Uh, new phone. Who dis? -He's just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany's wedding. -Who? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. They're just doing the vows. -Okay, well, great! Well, we were just talking about ya. There was that "New York Post" headline that called you Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall. -Well, I agree I had a

great fall. I had a great summer as well and, you know, many people are saying I'll have a great winter, but I'm having a great fall, okay? The leaves are turning red. It's a red wave, in terms of tree and with regard to leaf. -Well, we heard that you're blaming -- that you're blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz. -It's

true. It's true. And let me tell you, it's very hard being in a fight with your soul mate and also Melania, but, you know, now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ron DeSanctimonious. I know, I'm surprised I know that word, too, but -- but Ron had it so easy. -Right, you said DeSantis has the "advantage of sunshine." -That's right, everyone goes to Florida for the

sunshine. But, look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until I sent FBI agents to go and fix his election. -Wait, you just admitted to what? -But he's ungrateful and now he's trying to steal my sunshine, just like Len. And, you know, Len, they were a one-hit wonder, okay? Kind of like OMC. And these election results are making us go, "How bizarre." "How

bizarre, how bizarre." We're all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre. -Uh, don't you need to, like, walk your daughter down the aisle? -Missed it! Anyway, what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see "Fabelmans"? -Mr. President, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we've moved on. We can't have you on the show anymore. -What? What did I do?

Was it the insurrection? -No. -The impeachments? -No. -Blackmailing Ukraine? -No. -Charlottesville? -No. -Didn't make wall? -No. -The murder? -What? -Kidding. -Agh! Oof! It's because you lost. Mr. President, we just don't see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends, okay? So, bye-bye, now. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a big announcement November 15th. Hey, don't push me off! I have

a big announcement, and it's not what you think. I'm running for president again. -Oh, God! -Whew! Well...yeah. That...was...awkward! But we're finally free! Change is on the horizon, and I have a pretty good idea we won't be hearing from him again. [ Cellphone vibrates ] And he's calling my phone. [ Cellphone vibrates ] -And mine. -Mine too. -Whoa! Kari, what are you doing here? -You think if

I lose, I'm just gonna go away? Not on your life. We'll be back for more "Kari & Friends." And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"! [ Dramatic music plays ] -Good evening. It's good to be with you. I'm Katy Tur, and tonight, our long national nightmare is over. We got the balloon. The discovery of the massive surveillance balloon earlier this week inflamed already-volatile U.S./Chinese relations

and had many on the right calling the Biden administration's response soft, including this tweet from Donald Trump Jr. saying... And this one from Marjorie Taylor Greene saying... For more details, I'm honored to be joined tonight by Pentagon official and aviation expert General William Hamilton. -Thank you for having me. -Congratulations, General, on your successful mission. -Thank you. We popped the balloon. -General, we've never seen an object

like this gain entry into our airspace before. How did that happen? -That's an excellent question, Katy. The balloon was somehow able to get past our West Coast anti-balloon defense system, the Seattle Space Needle. But once it was here, we were able to keep an eye on it with our sophisticated tracking technology of going like this. -Understood. -I know there were questions about why we didn't shoot

it down immediately, but we wanted to wait till it was over the coast so that it wouldn't fall on people or go "shshshshshshsh" and land on my car. -It looked like it was a very exciting operation. Can you take us through it? -Well, I did bring a 3-D rendering of the enemy target. Now, imagine this is a lot bigger, but then, pretty far away, it looks

a lot smaller, too. -And, now, that was gathering intel? W-Was it taking pictures? -We don't know. But I do know, if you tap it, it plays music. -Okay. -Well, General, thank you so much for your heroism and for protecting our nation. -Thank you, Mrs. Tur, and I want everyone to know that we will not tolerate any form of Chinese spying. But to be honest, they already

have everything they need from TikTok, so scroll away, kids. -Thank you, General. And this is exciting. I'm getting word we have located the remains of the balloon, and I'm told we have a live feed. Let's see how it looks. -Well... you got me. Congrats. You shot a balloon. -Wow. Balloon, well, I-I'm sorry you're in the water. But thank you for speaking to us. -I entertain you

people for four days and then get shot by Biden? Can't believe I'm Joe's Osama. -Now, I have to ask, what were you doing flying over Montana? -I love the show "Yellowstone," so I was just there. It's like "Succession" but outside. Now I'm all wet, so what a day. -Well, I'm actually surprised you're still floating. Experts were saying you're the size of three buses. -Okay. Ouch. I'm

a balloon, so that's my body. How would you like it if someone measured your width in buses? I'm sorry I'm not camera-ready. And, oh, great. Who's this? No, no, do -- No, unh-unh. No. No, no, no, get away. Go, go. God, I hate the ocean. I'm really more of an air guy. -Look, I'm sorry, but people were worried they were being spied on. -By me? A

balloon? Everyone's being surveilled constantly, but it's always, "Shoot the balloon," and never, "Unplug Alexa." If you care so much about your data, why do you all keep your bank passwords in the Notes app? Okay? You mail your literal DNA to a company to find out if you're like 10% French. But je suis just a balloon. -Well, now, the concern was that you were taking sensitive images

of the U.S. -No, I was so far away. It's like when your aunt takes a concert video on her iPad and you're like, "I guess that's Michael Bubl." I couldn't even tell what I was looking at from up there. Like, frankly, I thought the state lines would be, like, drawn out. I thought I would see words over the places. -Well, we just did what we had

to do to protect the security of our country. -Oh, why? Was everyone freaking out because I'm a Chinese balloon? 'Cause where I come from, I'm just a balloon. -Well, thanks for speaking with us today, and we're sorry for how everything had to go down. -Oh, Katy, don't do that. You've made it very clear that I'm not welcome here, so good job. But let me tell you

something. You're gonna miss this Chinese spy balloon -- I mean normal balloon, damn it. Well, whatever. I already have your data. And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!