The SHOCKING Reason Why Being Nice Will Lead You To UNHAPPINESS | Dr. Mark Hyman

what do we mean by communicating in a healthy way talking to someone straight having a different conversation is really important it's such a problem for so many people who feel know right where your heart says no your body says no and your mouth says yes and who can relate to that I think many of us and I've had that happen most of my life because I

grew up in a situation where I had a rageaholic stepfather who if I told the truth or I didn't try to keep him pacified it would be like hell so I learned very early that it was good to lie or to not quite tell the truth or as a joke with my friend he's got the same problem we call it smurgling which is sort of not

quite being straight and not quite telling the truth and trying to people please but actually it ends up being a very manipulative way of relating because you're trying to control the other person's emotions you're trying to control their reaction instead of having an authentic relationship based on the truth that doesn't mean you have to be mean it just means you have to tell the truth with

love and that's a that's a hard trick to do but there's a skill it's a skill like any other skill and you can learn how to do it so many of you asked how I gave up being an isaholic well I've built that a model for myself of actually learning how to tell the truth and and actually avoiding a lot of the disappointments and the conflicts

that happen when you say yes when you actually mean you know and and then I would complain about it and then I would get called out on the complaining I'd work with my coach and she was basically like oh you know stop being an isaholic people pleaser so really really important to learn how to deal with this really going on in your life and face it

straight on and and being willing to deal with the consequences of whatever might be the reaction and it might not be something you like or who knows it might be something that's even better than what you can imagine but instead of dealing with reality uh by by actually telling the truth you're often avoiding people pleasing so I think I learned I could do it and I

learned there were really steps that helped me do it and I want to share some of those with you but but it just kind of helps me to reset and I I still sometimes get this problem when I get an email from somebody or someone wants something I want to help them and I just I'm sort of too overloaded and I sacrifice myself to help them

which isn't always a good thing and if I I learned how to say no with Grace and with love and with wisdom and kindness then usually it goes fine so um I you know I actually uh be able to talk talking about this and and working with someone on it for a long time I was able to reset these patterns I'm going to share with you

how you have a difficult conversation and it's really important to learn how to have difficult conversations there's there's great books on this called non-violent communication I think there's one called um uh difficult conversations or or uh courageous conversations something like that it's really about how to how do you actually have a an honest conversation I grew up in a family where people didn't do that where

just go and play tennis and hit the ball and expect you can have a forehanded background to serve and a Net game uh overnight you literally have to learn The Strokes you have to learn the technique you have to practice it over and over you have to write it down like I mean I have to write up and down what I'm going to say but once

you get good at it I want you to do the mental physical and emotional preparation for any conversation you can sort of do it in a way when you're out of the activated State you can do it when you're calm and collected and cool and then you can do it without blaming the other person or exaggerating what happened or making it about coming bigger than it

actually is um and it's also about being curious about what the other person's experience is and you don't actually even have to agree with them you don't have to have the same perspective but you can really listen and get where they're at and and have an understanding of it even if you don't have that experience yourself or you don't agree uh so you don't have to

agree to actually have a relationship with someone believe it or not um and so it also means actually being curious about the other person's perspective what their experience was and listen to what they said so basically it's a technique called active listening you you inquire about what someone's feeling you ask them to share you listen you don't react you don't have a narrative in your head

of what you're going to say or how you're going to rebut what they're saying or why they're saying is wrong or you know what you want to do to correct them or all this sort of stuff that goes on here but just be a blank slate and just deeply listen and then try to express back to them what you heard you know how do they feeling

what was their experience try to get in their shoes and often just by simply having the experience of being heard people will shift into a more relaxed calm State and it really really works um and so you have to kind of do that inquiry now in terms of wisdom that's the other piece but uh you know I think for me I realized that that you know

telling the truth is way better than not and it's not necessarily about lying it could be Omission it could be softening the truth it could be uh not being honest and and hoping that you know you'll you'll you know just be able to sort of manage a situation by avoiding it and and then all those are forms of lying you know I think so talking to

someone straight having a difficult conversation is really important and it's easier when you set it up properly it's easy when you frame it in the right way when you start in the right way and so you kind of sort of go in with an open site not having to prove your point and be right you know so someone said to me you either can be in

relationship or you can be right and you can choose so often it's not about being right or being validated in the way you think but it's about really getting someone and having them get you and then often that's enough so what are the steps to have a difficult conversation well the first is ask for permission say hey um I'd love to talk to you about something

uh is this a good time if not when's a good time uh let me know when you're ready I want to you know have a conversation about something important and and see what they say um if if they're really not you know that's okay you say when just when is good is it tomorrow is it next week is it tonight just give them give them a

sort of a time so it's not just oh it's not good and it's never good you want to be able to have the conversation next explain you know your goals to say you really want to understand each other or you want to have a conversation you want to get more connected not less and you really want to start with something positive you know you want to

sort of give them some understanding that you see who they are that you understand perspective you own your stuff there's a very simple rule called captiveness you have to cop to it if you had a role in whatever the dynamic was own it you know really share you know your insights and reflect on what your role was what you could have done differently and it's a

little bit disarming for the person because they're like oh wow they're taking responsibility and it feels like you're not blaming them you're not pointing fingers so it's really very helpful then then you know you've got to kind of draw on your wisdom your higher self because often we're listening to that I call it the inner which is our negative inner dialogue and think that's real but

it's our lower self so call in your higher self and and then sometimes you need to like read I had a friend who didn't know how to do this so I literally coached him and I I gave him a script of okay here's how you set up the conversation here's what you say first here's what you say second here's the questions you asked here's how do

you share what you're sharing and you know it's sometimes like that but uh basically you know you know do it without blame or judgment that's the key um you can say well this is what it seemed like to me or in my experience or I could be wrong with somebody remember um and next you know ask ask for their perspective you know once you've shared what

you've got to share and obviously you want them to practice active listening too so it's good if you can with somebody especially a close partner or someone you have a long relationship with to sort of set up the parameters so they're willing to be part of it too and work on it together and be tolerant of making mistakes of not getting it right and start over

again I mean just give yourself some kindness in all of it but but it it's really important to ask you know what their perspective is and and what do they think and so give them a chance to really unpack that how do you remember it and and that really helps and then you can kind of come up with agreements like okay well I get this and

I'm sorry for doing that and you know I'll pay attention to the Future and I hear you or you know you just so I really get why you're feeling this way about something and it's not something you have to address or fix it's just being heard sometimes enough so people get relieved to to say what's in their mind to have a you know be listened to

to be seen and um you know you might want to be together as a team and say okay like as a team as friends as partners as business partners as marital Partners spouse or friends uh what what is your goal together you want to stay more connected you want to have more intimacy you want to have more understanding and that's where you're you're moving towards so

it's always about you know creating as us against it conversation rather than us against each other uh it's really important so it's this is not easy I encourage you to check out resources we'll put them in the show notes but things like non-violent communication courses and conscious communication practices active listening really really important to learn these skills and we don't learn them in school we don't

know how to take care of our health our money and our relationships it's really important those are the three most important things we can do to manage it and have a good life so I encourage you to check it out uh how do you do that practice it don't feel bad if you get it wrong or screw it up because there's really no getting it wrong

it's just learning um and it really works I promise you it works it can diffuse almost any situation and it helps you build deeper connections and relationships and uh it's really anything what's all about if you love that last video You're Gonna Love the next one check it out here so if it's slow your whole system slows down if it's fast your whole system speeds up

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