Gutfeld: Kamala Harris is the Bud Light of veeps

ACTUALLY BROKE THE RECORD. I'M WAITING DESPERATELY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HERE WE ARE! ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY WEDNESDAY, EVERYBODY. TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE IS DEDICATED TO ALL OUR FRIENDS ON THE LEFT WHO ARE FAILING UPWARD. LEADING THE CHARGE, VP KAMALA HARRIS. IT'S THE ONLY TIME SHE'S EVER LED. AND CONGRATS. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL FROM NBC, WHICH IS LIKE A NEWS NETWORK BUT WITH CHUCK TODD. KAMALA IS THE MOST

UNPOPULAR VP IN RECORDED HISTORY. THINK ABOUT THAT. SHE BEAT OUT AL GORE. SOME GUY NAMED BIDEN AND EVEN DICK CHEYNEY AND HE SHOT A GUY IN THE FACE. HE HAD IT COMING, THOUGH. I THINK. I REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT STORY TOO WELL. ANYWAY, SO WHO SAYS WOMEN CAN'T BEAT MEN WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE. YES, LADIES, YOU, TOO, CAN SUCK EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS MEN. SHE

TRULY IS THE BUD LIGHT OF VEEPS. ROLL THE LATEST. >> I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE BANGER OF THE SUMMER, OKAY? >> OKAY. >> THAT YOU NEED TO PLAY FOR YOUR PEOPLE AND THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE IT. >> OKAY. >> EVERYBODY'S GOING TO GO CRAZY. >> >> I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT. >> YES. THIS IS THE SONG OF THE SUMMER, OKAY. SO YOU NEED TO

TELL THE D.J. TO HAVE THAT GOING, OKAY. >> OKAY. >> YOU READY TO SEE STONEWALL? >> Greg: THAT WAS BRUTAL. I HAVEN'T SEEN SO MUCH FORCED LAUGHTER SINCE KIM ON HOSTED THE OSCARS, MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN BIDEN ON BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORKDAY. EVEN WITH KAMALA HARRIS APPROVAL NUMBERS ON CNN TERRITORY STILL A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE PRESIDENCY. WHEN I SAY A HEARTBEAT I'M ASSUMING THAT JOE

STILL HAS ONE. HE ISN'T EVEN WORKS AT HALF SPEED ANYMORE. HERE HE IS TALKING ABOUT PUGHEN. >> TO WHAT EXTENT HAS VLADIMIR PUTIN BEEN WEAKENED BY RECENT EVENTS. >> IT'S HARD TO TELL BUT HE'S CLEARLY LOSING THE WAR IN IRAQ, HE'S LOSING THE WAR AT HOME. >> Greg: OH, MY GOD. WE ARE IN SOME DEEP TROUBLE. HEY, IRAQ, UKRAINE, TOMATO, TOMATO. LET'S JUST INVADE BOTH. STILL

THE DEMS WANT KAMALA RIGHT BESIDE THE PRESIDENT PERHAPS IN CASE HE FALLS. AT THIS POINT SHE'S LESS A VICE-PRESIDENT AND MORE A VISITING ANGEL. VISITING ANGELS, AMERICA'S CHOICE IN HOME CARE [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: THANK YOU. YES. IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE AT LEAST THEN SHE WOULD BE USEFUL INSTEAD SHE DISAPPEARS FOR DAYS OR WEEKS FOUND IN HIS KITCHEN LACING HIS ENSURE. SHE'S LIKE

AN A KADE A OCCASIONALLY MAKING A STRANGE NOISE, HER STAFF HATES HER. SHE REALLY IS THE JANICE DEAN OF POLITICIANS. [BOOING] >> Greg: BOO! >> Janice: WHO TOLD YOU? >> Greg: I KNOW. IT'S ALL THE SCUTTLEBUTT. STILL HER CHANCES GOING FROM VP TO PCONTINUES TO RISE. ISN'T THIS ALL SUPPOSED TO WORK THE OTHER WAY AROUND. AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE REWARDING SUCCESS AND NOT FAILURE? HOW

ABOUT KARINE JEAN-PIERRE? SHE JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, YOU CAN BE HISTORIC AND STILL SUCK. >> MANY THINGS HAVE MADE ME INCREDIBLY PROUD TO BE AT THAT PODIUM DURING THIS HISTORY I CAN MOMENT. THIS IS AN HISTORIC ADMINISTRATION I'M AN HISTORIC FIGURE AND I CERTAINLY WALK IN HISTORY EVERY DAY. >> Greg: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE HISTORIC. OTHER PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE HISTORIC,

OKAY? AND YOU ARE HISTORIC. YOU'RE THE FIRST PRESS SECRETARY EVER TO RELY SOLELY ON THE FIFTH AMENDMENT. MEANWHILE, AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND PETE BUTTIGIEG PRESIDED OVER A 75% RISE IN CRIME, INCLUDING RECORD HOMICIDES. THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE DRIVE BY SHOOTINGS IF IT WEREN'T FOR OUGHT THE POTHOLES. THE STREETS HAD MORE GAPING WOUNDS THAN SONNY CORLEONE AT A TOLL BOOTH. BIG GOD FATHER FANS

GIVE RANDY WINE GARDEN A GIG AT THE SAFETY BOARD. SHE HAS NO SECURITY BACKGROUND BUT THEN AGAIN HER FACE ALONE COULD SCARE OFF THE WAGNER GROUP. BUT YOU SEE A TREND, DON'T YOU? IT'S AS PLAIN AS THE BOLTS IN JOHN FETTERMAN'S NECK. I KNOW. WHEN THE REST OF US FAIL, SOMETHING ADMITTEDLY I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT, WE TAKE OUR LUMPS AND WE WALK AWAY. BUT WHEN

THE LEFT CHOSEN ONES FLUNK AND, BOY, DO THEY OF THE, THEIR CAREERS DEFY GEORGIAITY LIKE JERRY NADLER'S PANTS. LOOK AT THAT. HOW DOES THAT STAY UP? ANTHONY FAUCI WHO PRESIDED OVER GRANTS OF U.S. TAX DOLLARS TO THE CHINESE LAB THAT ALMOST CERTAINLY INVENTED COVID WILL JOIN THE STAFF AT GEORGETOWN AS A DISTINCTIVE PROFESSOR OF INFECTIOUS DISEASES. AFTER ALL WHO'S BETTER AT INFECTIOUS DISEASES THAN THE PRESIDENT

OF THE FAN CLUB. AND WHAT DO MAYOR BILL de BLASIO AND LORI LIGHTFOOT HAVE IN COMMON, OTHER THAN MAKING UP ONE HALF OF THE ADAM'S FAMILY? THAT'S TRUE [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MORE LIKE TWO FIFTHS. THEY'RE BOTH TEACHING AT HARVARD. >> OH. >> Greg: YOU KNOW THE CRIME RATE IN THOSE CLASSES ARE GOING TO SKY ROCKET. I HOPE THERE'S EXTRA CREDIT FOR

PUBLIC YOUR NATION. WHAT ABOUT FIRED CHASE A WENT TO BERKELEY LAW, AND HILLARY CLINTON WENT TO COLUMBIA'S SCHOOL OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS. PUBLIC AFFAIRS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: YEAH, I'LL JUST SAY THEM ANYWAY. BUT IT DOES SOUND LIE A COURSE HER HUSBAND SHOULD BE TEACHING. I MEAN, YOU COULD EVEN LOSE THE L AND IT WOULD STILL WORK. LESSEN ONE WOULD BE THE PROPER USE OF CIGARS.

BUT, HEY, IN HILLARY'S DEFENSE I HEAR SHE'S A KILLER BEHIND THE PODIUM, AND IN JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S JAIL CELL. WHAT ARE YOU BOOING FOR? LOOK, WE ALL KNOW THAT ACADEMIA IS WHERE LEFTY FAILURES GO TO MAKE FUTURE LEFTY FAILURES BUT FOR ALL THEIR EDUCATION NO ONE TAUGHT THEM THE MEANING OF MERITOCRACY. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF AMERICA'S BASIC PRINCIPLES INSPIRES ACHIEVEMENT THAT REWARDS AS YOU CAN

SEE AND THE NATION GETS STRONGER. IGNORE THAT YOU HAVE A ROUND ROBIN OF CRONYISM THAT ERODES SCHOOL, OUR GOVERNMENT OUR LEADERS, BUT IF AMERICA SUR VOICES AND COMPETES WITH NATIONS THAT ACTUALLY SENDS KIDS TO SCHOOL WE BETTER STOP PROTECTING AND REWARDING FAILURES JUST BECAUSE THEY CHECK A BOX. BUT SINCE I'M A GLASS HALF FULL KIND OF GUY, AND I AM, IF WE DO END UP WITH

FOUR MORE YEARS OF KAMALA, AT LEAST WE'VE ALWAYS GOT THE BONGOS. >> JUST LOOK AROUND. JUST LOOK AROUND. TOGETHER. HERE. PEOPLE OF EVERY BACKGROUND. I WISH YOU COULD SEE WHAT I'M LOOKING AT. PEOPLE OF EVERY BACKGROUND, EVERY AGE. FROM EVERYWHERE. TOGETHER. [LAUGHTER]. >> PERIOD! >> Greg: LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS! HE HAS CRUMB PETS AND TEA AND CRUSHES DEMS WITH GLEE FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR DOUGLAS MURRAY. SHE'S

A METEOROLOGIST AND A UROLOGIST BECAUSE SHE MADE ANDREW CUOMO WET HIS ARRANGEMENTS SENIOR METEOROLOGIST JANICE DEAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]. >> Greg: LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU CRY AND YOU'RE AT ONE OF HIS SHOWS. FOUNDER OF THE LOFTUS PARTY.COM, ALEX LEE MOYER. AND FINALLY HER HUSBAND GOES TO A SLAUGHTER HOUSE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET. FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg:

DOUGLAS, ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU. >> Douglas: I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME. >> Greg: WELL THAT WAS UNNECESSARY. SO, JANICE. KIDDING. SO WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS TREND? IS IT INDEED A TREND? BASICALLY THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MAKE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY WHAT A PERSON LOOKS LIKE AND NOT WHAT A PERSON DOES. >> Douglas: YEAH. I MEAN, INTERNATIONALLY THERE'S ALWAYS

THIS KIND OF JOKE, PEOPLE ALWAYS JOKED ABOUT AMERICAN POLITICIANS BEING -- LACKING IN ELOQUENTS SHOULD WE SAY. QUAYLE, REAGAN EVEN BACK IN THE DAY. BUSH. EVERY REPUBLICAN. THIS WAS ALWAYS AN INTERNATIONAL JOKE AND ALWAYS KIND OF ILL SUITED. BUT THE DEMOCRATS, THAT SHOULD BE THE REAL JOKE. THIS ARE COMPETING IN INHE WILL SEQUENCE. EVERY TIME YOU SEE ONE SPEAKING IN FRONT OF THE OTHER, YOU THINK

WOW THEY'RE TAKING LESSONS. REMEMBER WHEN BIDEN WELCOMED THE NEW SUPREME COURT JUSTICE AND SAID YOU CAN SUM OF AMERICA IN ONE WORD AND KAMALA HARRIS IS STANDING BESIDE HIM AND YOU CAN SEE IN HER EYES SHE'S THINKING OH, NO. AND HE SAID I AM FA FA TUM HIMALAYAS. >> Greg: THAT'S EXACTLY CORRECT. >> Janice: EVEN KAMALA HARRIS THOUGHT HE HADN'T QUITE GOT IT RIGHT. AND THE

OTHER DAY BIDEN IS THERE WHEN FETTERMAN IS TALKING AND HE'S LOOKING ON AND FETTERMAN TURNS AND HE'S RATHER SURPRISED THE PRESIDENT'S BESIDE HIM AND CALLS THE PRESIDENT COLLAPSED BRIDGE. AND EVEN BIDEN'S LIKE LOOKING AT HIM THINKING, I'M NOT SURE THIS IS GOING SO WELL. SO I JUST DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND. THEN YOU HAVE THE WHOLE KAMALA PROBLEM, EVEN WITHOUT BONGOS. >> Greg: I WAS NOTICING EVEN THE

BONG 0ING ARE STARTING TO WEAR OFF ON THE AUDIENCE. THEY USED TO MAKE THEM LAUGH NOW THEY WANT IT TO DIE. MAKE THE BONGOS GO AWAY. >> Janice: I LOVE THEM. >> Greg: I DO TOO PENNING 0S MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER INCLUDING OTHER BONGOS. >> Janice: THAT WAS THE MOST INTERESTING I'VE SEEN KAMALA HARRIS ON TELEVISION. THAT DIDN'T MAKE MY CRINGE AND WANT TO COWER IN THE

CORNER. WHEN SHE BECAME VICE-PRESIDENT I WAS ROOTING FOR HER A LITTLE BIT. GLASS CEILING, FEMALE VICE-PRESIDENT, NEXT IN LINE TO THE PRESIDENT. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT PARTY, IT WAS A MOMENT FOR WOMEN. AND THEN SHE OPENS HER MOUTH. I APOLOGIZE, BUT I CAN'T -- IT'S HARD. IT'S LIKE A SEINFELD EPISODE. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT NOTHING. BUT SHE DOES IT SO WELL. LIKE SHE THINKS SHE'S DOING WELL

AND THE REST OF US ARE LIKE... >> Greg: SHE IS A GIGGLE MACHINE BUT SHE MAY END UP HAVING THE LAST LAUGH. IF PRESIDENT B CROAKS SHE'S PRESIDENT AND WE'RE ALL SCREWED BY THE WAY DID YOU GET MY PRESENT? >> I DID NOT. >> Greg: I SENT YOU SOME DENIM BED SHEETS. [LAUGHTER]. >> I'LL HAVE TO ADD THEM TO MY COLLECTION. >> Greg: HERE'S THE THING,

IS IT OUR FAULT IT'S SO EASY TO MAKE FUN OF HER. IT'S KIND OF LIKE WHAT JANICE SAID, YOU'RE KIND OF ROOTING NO FOR HER BUT SHE'S SO BAD. >> I WAS NEVER ROUTING FOR HER. I FEEL LIKE AS A NATION WE'RE BEING PUNKED RIGHT? SOMEWHERE ASHTON KUTCHER IS LIKE LET'S GIVE THEM JOE BIDEN AND SEE WHAT THEY DO NOW. AND THEN WITH KAMALA WAL A

DING-DONG THE VISITING AINGE OF OF DEBT WHO'S JUST WAITING. THE ONLY UPSIDE IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO JOE AND THEN KAMALA WOULD GET IN WE SHOULD ALL EMBRACE HER LIKE CRAZY SO WE'RE ALL IN ON THE JOKE. IT WOULD TERRIFY OUR ENEMIES. >> Greg: TRUE. >> Michael: GRANTED HER SPEECHES, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WHOA IT KNUCKLE THROUGH THOSE. >> Greg: IT IS LIKE A

TURBULENT FLIGHT WHEN YOU LISTEN TO HER SPEAK YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO THE CHAIR. >> Michael: HER STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS WOULD BE LIKE DAYS, UM K, BECAUSE AS A NATION, MMMK. THANK YOU SO MUCH. OUR ONLY HOPE IS LIKE IF WE DID LIKE A CALL AND RESPONSE THING LIKE WHEN YOU GA TOMAS AND THE PRIEST SAYS AND BE WITH YOU AND EVERYBODY SAYS IT BACK.

IF AMERICA PLAYED ALONG. SO EVERY TIME KAMALA WENT MMMK, AS A NATION WE WERE LIKE, MMMK. AND THAT WOULD TERRIFY OUR ENEMIES. >> Greg: YOU'RE STARTING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN. KAT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN REWARDED FOR FAILING. DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU? WE HAVE TO ACHIEVE TO SUCCEED >> Kat: NOT ONLY ARE THEY LOSERS BUT ALSO THEY'RE EXPENSIVE LOSERS. THERE ARE SO

MANY KIDS GOING TO SCHOOL GOING INTO DEBT TO LEARN FROM LOSERS. AND IT'S JUST A HORRIBLE MODEL BUT IT'S STILL WORKING, YOU KNOW, FOR THE UNIVERSITIES THEMSELVES BUT I THINK I FIGURED OUT KAMALA. >> Greg: WHAT? >> Kat: I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW FROM ALL THESE ARTICLES THAT ARE SUPER WELL SOURCED AND RESEARCHED. SHE'S A TYRANT TO WORK FOR.

A TOTAL JERK. CLEARLY WHAT SHE'S DOING IN THESE INTERVIEWS AND SPEECHES IS PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY AND FRIENDLY. THAT GETS CONFUSING THIS IS WHAT SHE THINKS A HAPPY FRIENDLY PERSON ACTS LIKE. WHERE WAS YOUR CASE STUDY, BONAROO? BECAUSE SHE SEEMS TO BE ACTING LIKE A PERSON ARTIFICIALLY HAPPY DUE TO POLLY SUBSTANCE DRUG ABUSE. >> Greg: RIGHT. SUCH A GOOD POINT. LIKE THE PERSON THAT ALWAYS TRIES

TO BE, HA HA, EVERYBODY LOVES ME IS ALWAYS A MONSTER. EVERYBODY SAYS THAT ABOUT AINSLEY. >> Kat: BUT THAT'S WHY YOU MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT JANICE BECAUSE JANICE IS ACTUALLY A NICE PERSON. MY HUSBAND JOINED TWITTER FOR THE FIRST TIME A FEW MONTHS AGO, PEOPLE ARE MEAN ON THERE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. BUT PEOPLE SAY MEAN THINGSS ABOUT ME THAT ARE HORRIBLE

WHATEVER. CAM COMES IN AND HE'S LIKE TWITTER'S AWFUL. I'M LIKE WHAT. HE SAYS PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO JANICE. HOW CAN YOU BE MEAN TO JANICE DEAN. I'M LIKE I KNOW. >> Greg: THERE'S A SONG, HOW CAN YOU BE MEAN TO JANICE DEAN >> Kat: I TRULY CAN'T