Weekend Update: NYC Hires First-Ever "Rat Czar," Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms - SNL

YORK CITY'S FIRST RAT CZAR, A TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS MS. STATEN ISLAND. LOSER. >> YOU AND FUNKY KONG? ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL GAME. THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW YORK JETS, 0. THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER, YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR

LITTER BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO YOUR WHORE WIFE. >> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS. THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN AND KIDS, THE NEWS. >> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME

LEVELS. IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS. >> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%, BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD 20% FOR TIP? >> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR ASHES. >> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS. MORE EMBARRASSING,

THEY NEVER ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE. AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER AN HOUR. AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET YOU FINISH.