Weekend Update ft. Kenan Thompson, Sarah Sherman and Molly Kearney - SNL

>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL PLAY. HE SHARED IS

DOCUMENT IN A PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S RUINED. IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL. OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL REPLIED, GAY.

>> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS ATLANTA. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. >> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN THEY

ARRESTED HIM. WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S STORIES ALWAYS CRYING? >> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING. VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING. THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES. THEY WERE ALL CRYING. PEOPLE WERE CRYING. THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY WERE CRYING. A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING. >> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN

PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED CRYING. IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE JIGSAW. >> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN CASE. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL CHE. AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE THOMAS' HOME,

HE SAID HE DID IT SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME. >> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS BEFORE THE COURT. DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET CALLED WHY YOU

HAVE TO KEEP IT. >> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT SINCE KENNEDY. BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO SLUR HIS WORDS. >> WOW. >> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE? >> EASY. SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS 89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS. UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON

HER STAPLER. >> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR A 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RUN. THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING A NOMINEE. >> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG. SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT

IT IS FUNKY KONG. >> WHAT'S U COLIN? WHAT'S UP, LADIES? WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME WITH FUNKY KONG. >> ALL RIGHT. HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG? >> I'VE BEEN BETTER. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE $500 MILLION -- 600. BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO SEE OF ME. >> YOU'RE JUST IN THE BACKGROUND? WHAT

HAPPENED? >> THEY CUT ME OUT. I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM. THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME WORK. BRING IT BACK. >> WOW. I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT. >> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT THEY WANT, COLIN. FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS. FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY CRUISING IN MY CART

AND MY NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF TOADS. >> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE? >> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T ASK. >> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR CHARACTER. >> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP IN IT. BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY KONG. >> WHO IS MONKEY KONG?

>> HE'S A DONKEY. THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE INTERESTING. YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE SET? >> WHAT? WHY? >> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE BONGOS. I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS. >> GREAT. REALLY GREAT. SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE MOVIE. >> ABSOLUTELY, MAN. I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES. I WAS INCREDIBLE. I EVEN HAVE

THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT HERE. READ THIS WITH ME. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI. >> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE CASTLE. BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW ROAD. MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD? WE'LL FALL OFF. >> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN HERE. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE ORIGINAL LINE. >> I TOLD YOU, MAN. I WAS DOPE. GO TO PAGE

36, MAN. THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH. >> YOU AND PEACH. OKAY. PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG, THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM. CAN YOU HELP? >> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME SEE WHAT'S INSIDE. >> ALL RIGHT. HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT YOU OUT. >> COME ON. PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP, MAN. YOU

EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT? >> NO. >> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID LAST NIGHT. BRING IT BACK! >> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE. >> I'LL TAKE THAT. YORK CITY'S FIRST RAT CZAR, A TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS MS. STATEN ISLAND. LOSER. >> YOU AND FUNKY KONG? ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL GAME. THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW YORK JETS, 0. THE DEPARTMENT

OF SANITATION HAS LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER, YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO YOUR WHORE WIFE. >> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS. THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN AND KIDS, THE NEWS.

>> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF WELLNESS. HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU GENESIS FRY. >> HELLO, COLIN. JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR MIND. >> OH. LIKE RIGHT NOW? >> YES, COLIN. COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET COLIN? >> OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M SCARED. >> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND. CLOSE

YOUR EYES. >> OKAY. >> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT, COLIN. AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES WITH BOWEN. YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A SINGLE BALL FLASHES. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> RELAX. RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS. SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED. >> OKAY. >> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER. HE'S LIKE

A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO YOU. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN? >> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW. >> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH TONIGHT'S UPDATE. 21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR YOU. YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW. >> GENESIS, COME ON. >> SHH, COLIN, RELAX. RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED. >> RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED. >> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM

COLIN JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM FULL OF LIGHT. >> I AM FULL OF LIGHT. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. >> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME. >> I AM NOT SAYING THAT. >> IT'S OKAY, COLIN. IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST THE BREAKTHROUGH. GIVE ME YOUR HAND. >> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY HAND. >> I KNOW. WOW, IT'S SO SOFT.

YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE. >> NO, NO. >> RELAX. PICTURE IT, COLIN. YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL MONOLOGUE! >> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME! >> YOU'RE SO ALONE. THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO. >> WHO IS ANTONIO? >> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN! SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT, COLIN,

YOU'RE STANDING IN THE NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE RECOGNIZES YOU. >> SUNDAY MORNING? >> NO ONE DOES. FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS UP TO YOU SO EXCITED. COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS. AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT PAPERS. >> COURT PAPERS? >> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE EXACT. >> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP. >> REPEAT AFTER ME,

COLIN. I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM A STAR. >> I AM A STAR. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE IT. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE IT. >> YOU DID IT, COLIN! YES! >> WOW. I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE. DID YOU JUST

COME UP WITH THAT? >> NO. IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE, COLIN. AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO. >> ALL RIGHT. GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE. >> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS. IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS. >> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS

BY 20%, BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD 20% FOR TIP? >> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR ASHES. >> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS. MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE. AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT

A BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER AN HOUR. AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET YOU FINISH. >> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI -- [ LAUGHTER ] SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET TRANSYOUTH. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION. >> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST NONBINARY CAST MEMBER. IT'S

MOLLY KEARNEY! >> THANK YOU, MR. CHE. >> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS. >> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN FROM THE CEILING. >> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? >> YEAH. BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED.

I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER. HELLO. >> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION. AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR TRANSKIDS. >> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL, RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR KIDS. FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS THAT MAKES PEOPLE

FORGET THE WORD KIDS. IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS' LIVES. >> WOW. I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THAT. >> I AM! AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT. >> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP THERE? >> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED. I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE COULD

HEAR ME. AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE. AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE, YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP THERE. AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW. BUT DON'T WORRY. WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS TRANSRIGHTS. OH, MY GOSH.

GOOD GOLLY! THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI! MY BAD. >> THAT WAS SO LOUD. >> WELL, YEAH. PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP! WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP TOO FAST. WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE, AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP. NOT ME, THEM. I MEAN THE KIDS! THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT, LET'S GO! WAIT A MINUTE. BEFORE I GO. I WANT TO TALK

TO YOU. WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS WRONG. AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED. OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A KID. IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN THE SNL SKY. THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU GET TO PEE. IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK UP AND REALIZE,

YOU'RE FLYING, KID. HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE FRAME? >> YOUR FEET