Top 5 Most-Watched Live Sketches | Season 48 | Saturday Night Live

-Hey, everyone, just wanted to check in on you. Is everything going all right? We've been getting some complaints. -Oh, because we black? [ Audience laughs, applauds ] -We over here minding our business. -This fall, a new medical drama for our times. It's "Hot Girl Hospital". -I need to go, stat! -[ Groans ] -Ma'am, I'm right here. You in good hands. -What's her status? -46. Female. Mad

as hell. She ain't getting what she supposed to be getting. -Oh, my God. And the fit. -Trash. Garbage. -I need a BBL, stat, 6 CC's of Tummy Tea, and whatever Fashion Nova we got. -What's a BBL? Just let my basic ass die. -No, ma'am. You're going to be a bad bitch real soon. Hear that?! -Oh, girl, I got to work a double tonight. -Girl, I know,

and I got to weave-oplasty followed by emergency twerk exam. This job, I swear to God. -Hold up. Who that? -My friend -- My friend -- He's been in an accident. -I don't want to die! -Unh-uh. -He is bleeding. -We don't do all that here. You doing too much. -Bye. -Hey, I'm Charlie. NewYork-Presbyterian, cardiology. -Okay. But we don't do that here. We do wigs, butts, and clothes.

If you want something else, you're more than welcome to look around. -Okay, so what kind of hospital is this, then? -Okay, so boom. Draymond Green had got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And the NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he had flew out a bunch of IG baddies... [ Clicks tongue ] ...and put us in a building with some gurneys and

some wheelchairs, and he called it a hospital. -Thank you, Draymond. -Thank you, Draymond. -I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It's an emergency. -Um, I ain't talking to no Dr. Simmons right now because, um, she fake. -What? Can I just see a doctor, please? -I mean, you can see her, but I'm not going to get her. Nurse, where's Janelle? -Huh? I ain't talking to her. She

fake. She got a little white coat and thinks she's better than everybody. -Mm-hmm. -Okay, well, can you just page her, please? -Imagine... Imagine me saying, "Paging Dr. Simmons." -Couldn't be me. -Couldn't be me. -Please help! My wife's water broke! -[ Screams ] -Oh, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Dawand? Is that you, Dawand? -Hold up. Hold up. Dawand, who be in our DMS

every day? -Oh, snap. What's up? -Do you know them? -Nah, baby, I've never seen them before in my life. -You think you slick, coming here with your white wife, talking about her water broke. -Boy, get your lying ass on. -Good luck to that baby. Her daddy winning all birds. -Where's my wife? Is she okay? -Oh, she more than okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out,

girl. -It's giving, "Thank you." -Yeah! -Okay, bitch! -Yes, girl! Uh-huh! -You better work it, bitch! -Thank you, Draymond! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Bell rings ] -Yeahhhh! It's how you playing, you playing! -Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! -Turn that music off and sit in your seats. My name is Ms. Fink. And I will be your substitute teacher today. Now, I don't know what your regular teacher

does during this class, but I am here to instruct, and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you. Now, I don't care what you've been told your whole lives. You are not dumb. You are not a lost cause. Maybe everyone in your life thinks it's high school, then the streets, then prison. But not me. When I

look at this room, I don't see thugs. I don't see dummies. I see a group of young people whose only fault was being born the wrong color in this country. So, yes, you may be dumb today, but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom. Am I understood? -Yeah. -Yes. -Okay. -Now, don't be embarrassed. How many of you can read? -Um, all of us?

-Miss, this is an honors level physics class. -This class is that? -Yeah. Every class at this school is honors level. -This is a STEM school. -Okay. -We all had to take a college level test to get in here. -Okay. -Did the principal not tell you that? -Nah. -And wait, who was calling us dumb? - Nobody -But when you came into the class, you gave that long

speech and you said people were saying we was dumb. Who said that? -Okay. -And who said we were born "the wrong color"? What was that about? -Yeah, that sounds racist as hell. -It does now. Yes. Uh... What kind of school did you say this was again? -It's -- It's a STEM school, miss. It stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. -Mm-hmm. -All subjects I know very

well. -Yeah. S-T-E-M. But I like to say it stands for Students Together Achieving Much. -But miss, the word "achieving" starts with an "A". -Mm-hmm. Exactly. Did we all hear that? Let's all try to be more like Laquantisha. -Uh -- My name is Amy. -Quiet, unless called on. Now, let's begin the lesson. Where did we leave off in the text? -Chapter 237 -- Particle Behavior and Wave

Mechanics. -That is a big old book. Ah. I will read. Okay. "A photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. This d--" Hmm. -Um, miss, it's "duality". -Now, one more time for me, baby. -It's "duality". -Detention. And that concludes the reading. Students, here's some truth for you. Sometimes, the teachers are the ones who are dumb. And sometimes they take a job, not realizing it's

at a STAM school -Um, it's a -- it's a STEM school, miss. -With an "E". -Detention. And sometimes, that makes them say and do racist. But you can't hold that against them. Because some of these teachers did not go to college. -But miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher. -Detention. The point is, I believe in you. And that is why

I should still get paid for today. Class dismissed. -But the bell didn't ring. [ Fire alarm ringing ] -Believe in yourselves. The hell is wrong with this damn door? -Miss, the door opens in. You gotta pull it. -It's a pull. -Detention. [ Cheers and applause ] --Toast to our birthday girl, Shayna. -To Shayna. -Let's not forget her baby sister, Lisa, who flew all the way from

Temecula to celebrate with us. Lisa, we have heard so much about you. It's so nice to finally meet you. -Mm-hmm. That's cute. But don't think I'm giving up the butt tonight. -I'm sorry. What? -[ Laughs ] She is just kidding. Don't mind her. -Sorry for the wait. Your steak should be cooked to your liking now. Third time's a charm. Extra, extra well done. -So, Lisa, do

you always order steaks like that? -I didn't know you could get them extra, extra well. -Mm-hmm. Cook my meat. I don't want to see not one speck of red. I can't be getting sick tonight. I got to be in court in the morning. -You're a lawyer? -Oh, yeah. She's actually the lead litigator on a class action suit against Walmart. -Yeah, a couple of their Coinstar machines

exploded. I ain't got to tell you what happened next. -Wow, that's really amazing of you. I really admire that. -Sis, what is going on with your little friend? He is really doing the most trying to get some butt tonight. -Excuse me? -Oh, my God. Nothing, Paul. Girl, could you not start with that? -You know what? I'm-a just sit here and eat my steak in peace. -Well,

anyway, um... I, uh -- Oh, I didn't tell you guys, but a few nights back, this -- this dog -- this dog followed me home. -I have to tear this thing up. -And when I -- [ Laughs ] -- when I opened -- when I opened the door, he just [laughing] sprinted inside. He just sprinted inside. So now I'm running -- -That man ain't gave me

no ketchup. -I'm running -- I'm running around my house trying to catch him. -Sis, you got ketchup over there? -Girl, just eat. Can you just eat? -Without ketchup? You think it's going to be nasty without ketchup? -So, uh, anyway, I... I guess I had two bones in my basement. -That is so cool. -What are the odds? -Mm. Mm. Sis... Sis, I got to cut you a

piece of this steak. This steak is bussin'. -Lisa... Oh, my God. Can you just chill? He's trying to tell a story. -Girl, I heard the man. I heard the man. I heard him. -He said he got chased by a dog. -Okay. Okay, Lisa. Okay. All right. -Okay. Look. Huh? What? What? -Antonio Banderas over here trying to get some butt while he got Cujo living in his

basement. -Hey, everyone, just want to check in on you. Is everything going all right? We've been getting some complaints. -Oh, 'cause we black? [ Audience laughs, applauds ] We over here minding our business. -I'm just making sure everything's okay. -Actually, everything -- everything is not okay. -There is wine all in their food. It's all over the floor now. Y'all need to do better. -Lisa... -Yes, Antonio?

-I understand. You don't -- You don't want to be sick tomorrow, but you have been sawing that steak. This is -- This is a mess because of you. -Okay, now hold up, now. I'm not going to let y'all corner my baby sister, Lisa, who came all the way from Temecula on my birthday. -I know that's right. Now, does my sister have terrible listening comprehension skills? 1,000%.

-I know that's right. -But she's the only sister I've got. -Bitch, we the youngest of six girls. -Okay, okay. But at the end of the day, no matter what her flaws, she's my family. And there better not be a damn red speck on that damn plate. -Cook my meat. -Okay. -You know what? You know what? Y'all just haven't had it right. I'm-a cut y'all a piece.

-Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me, and I just don't want you to get scared off. -Louis, don't worry. We're good. -Okay. All right. Hello? Mama-minda, we're home. -Mi hijo lindo, I'm coming! Ah! [ Speaking Spanish ] -Mama. -The man of my life. Dios mio, Luisito. My college boy. I missed you so

much. You don't call enough, bad boy! I'll kill you. I'll put you in jail. -Ah! -I love you so much. -Aw, Mama. Well, I love you, too, Mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Brittany. -Hi. Yes, Ms. Flores, I'm Brittany. I've heard so much about you. -Mm. You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that. -Um -- Ha-ha, Mama, let's

eat. How about that, huh? -With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed, so I did bring some vegan sliders. -Louis, [speaking Spanish] vegan sliders? -Is she talking about me? -Yes, but in a good way. Don't worry. Mama, we're hungry, huh? -Yes. And this looks great. Where should I put these? -I'll take it. Thank you. Sit, sit. -Everything looks so great, Mama.

Thank you. -So, Brittany, what are you studying? -I'm actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture. -So she doesn't like money? -Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day. -Oh. So she's a lesbian. -Mama, please. -No, no, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque baroque architecture. -Mama, por favor. No le

importa el dinero a ella. -Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Brittany with the vegan sliders. -Okay, so she's talking about me? -No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate Frisbee. -Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay, listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want

the best for your son. Like, Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester? -Oh, no, no, no. -And I set you up with my family doctor? -What? -Well, I helped Louis out. Now he's on ADD medication, and he's doing a lot better. -My son don't have ADD. He just like to jump! -Oh, well, ADD isn't anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato

has it. -Ella entra a mi casa con su "family doctor", hablando de que "normalize ADD". -Okay, she hates me. -She's not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel. -What?! -Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera "White Lotus". -Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, Hey, man, wanna go get some Sweetgreen?" -What is she saying? -Pero no

me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion "long-term", okay? No. -What? -A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un "one-night-stand", "hit it and quit it", "rip and dip". I don't care. That's okay. -Okay. That was all English. Claudia, please. I would just love to start over. -Yes. Can we please just eat? Huh? How about

that? -Yes. This looks delicious, Ms. Flores, but before we eat, mind if I say grace? -Grace? Oh, mija, Louis, why didn't you tell me she was a woman of God? -Oh, my God! -Now, where are my grandchildren? --Doctor, I can't believe this. How long has my husband been awake? -Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He's still very weak after the coma, but his

mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak. -Oh, my God. I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle. -I know. Look, he's waking up. -Charlie? Hey, it's me. Welcome back. -[LA accent] Oh, my God. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don't get anything that's going on right now. -Doctor? -This is very common. He's going to be

a little confused at first. -Why is everybody... Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper? -Did -- Did you say paper? No, that's your hospital robe, buddy. -Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident. -Why are you calling me honey? Who are you? -I'm your wife. -Okay. Not today. -Did he say "Not today"? Honey, we've been married for eight years. -Let's just put a pin in

that. -Doctor? -He may not recognize you right now, but the important thing is, is that he's up and talking. -Yeah, but he's talking with this, like, LA mush-mouth thing. I mean, I've literally never heard that before. -You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA. -Uh, he has a totally different personality. -This is completely normal and temporary. There's even been instances of people coming out

of comas and speaking foreign languages they have never before. -Can I speak Spanish? Lemme try. Saba saba, sama sama. Sounds like Spanish to me. -No, it's not Spanish. Uh, is his brain okay? -Let's find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life into hours, and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. What am I? -Duh. You're a

candle. -He's fine. -That's how you test for brain damage? Okay. Honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like. -[ Normal voice ] Hey, babe. Made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you. -[ LA accent ] Okay. He's the hottest guy I've ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas? -No, Charlie, that's you. You were on a business trip in Arkansas. That's

where you got hit by that Party City truck. -That's not me. And who are you? Another wife? -No, I'm not your wife. I'm your sister. -Let's put a pin in that. -Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brain is okay? -Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, identify these objects, okay? -Bah. Bee. Bo. Bill Burr. -He's fine. Great job, Charlie. -Oh,

thank you. -Please. Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him. -Nah. I'm way skinnier than him. -That's 'cause you lost 50 pounds in the coma. -Oh, good for me. -Doctor, I just -- I just don't know if I can handle this. -Oh, my God. Don't cry. You're gonna make me cry. Come on. Hold my hand. Look, I don't know who you are, and despite

what I said, I can't speak Spanish. But the important thing is you're my soul mate. And you and I -- [normal voice] you and I are going to be fine. -See how he's sounding clearer already? -[LA accent] Because no matter what people -- people always -- ...people always gonna do the do, and be the be, and that's the truth. -Okay, he's backsliding a little. -What do

I do? -Meet him where he's at. -[ LA accent ] Charlie. I know, and that's never gonna change. Okay? [ Mumbling ] -Really? -[ LA accent ] Yeah, and that goes double for me. -[ LA accent ] Now I'm gonna cry, and I, like, never cry. -Aw, bring it in. You guys! -[ LA accent ] I'm a good doctor. I help people!